SCENE 2: A ROOM IN THE CASTLE. — Shakespeare Retold

[Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and Attendants]

KING CLAUDIUS

Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!

Moreover that we much did long to see you,

Not only did we really want to see you,

The need we have to use you did provoke

We need your help, and that necessitated

Our hasty sending. Something have you heard

Our swift recall to you. You may have heard,

Of Hamlet's transformation; so call it,

Of Hamlet’s transformation, so to speak,

Sith nor the exterior nor the inward man

Since neither his appearance nor his mind-set

Resembles that it was. What it should be,

Resemble what they were. What’s causing this,

More than his father's death, that thus hath put him

Aside his father’s death, that since has made him

So much from the understanding of himself,

Unlike the person that he used to be,

I cannot dream of: I entreat you both,

I’ve no idea; I keenly ask you both

That, being of so young days brought up with him,

That, as you’ve known him since he was a child,

And sith so neighboured to his youth and haviour,

And being so close to him, know what he’s like,

That you vouchsafe your rest here in our court

That you agree to stay here in our court

Some little time: so by your companies

A little while; and, through companionship,

To draw him on to pleasures, and to gather,

You’ll draw him into happy chat and gather,

So much as from occasion you may glean,

As best you can as chances may arise,

Whether aught, to us unknown, afflicts him thus,

If anything, unknown to us, afflicts him

That, opened, lies within our remedy.

That, once we know, we might know how to fix.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Good gentlemen, he hath much talked of you;

Good gentlemen, he talks of you a lot;

And sure I am two men there are not living

And I’m quite sure there’s no two men alive

To whom he more adheres. If it will please you

To whom he’s closer to. If you don’t mind

To show us so much gentry and good will

To show us generosity and kindness

As to expend your time with us awhile,

By spending time with us a little while

For the supply and profit of our hope,

To help us solve this troublesome conundrum,

Your visitation shall receive such thanks

Your time with us will bring gratification

As fits a king's remembrance.

Befitting of the king.

ROSENCRANTZ

Both your majesties

Dear King and Queen,

Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,

You could, through royal power held over us,

Put your dread pleasures more into command

Instruct us to perform what you desire

Than to entreaty.

Without requesting.

GUILDENSTERN

But we both obey,

And here give up ourselves, in the full bent

And comprehensively give you our time,

To lay our service freely at your feet,

And offer any service you require,

To be commanded.

Upon instruction.

KING CLAUDIUS

Thanks, Rosencrantz and gentle Guildenstern.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Thanks, Guildenstern and gentle Rosencrantz:

Thanks, Guildenstern and gentle Rosencrantz!

And I beseech you instantly to visit

And I implore you, please go right away

My too much changed son. Go, some of you,

To see my transformed son. Go, some of you,

And bring these gentlemen where Hamlet is.

And take these men to where my Hamlet is.

GUILDENSTERN

Heavens make our presence and our practises

I hope to God our presence and our actions

Pleasant and helpful to him!

Will bring him help and happiness.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Ay, amen!

Amen!

[Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and some Attendants]

[Enter POLONIUS]

LORD POLONIUS

The ambassadors from Norway, my good lord,

The two ambassadors you sent to Norway

Are joyfully returned.

Have happily returned.

KING CLAUDIUS

Thou still hast been the father of good news.

You’ve always been the bearer of good news.

LORD POLONIUS

Have I, my lord? I assure my good liege,

Have I, my lord? I assure your majesty

I hold my duty, as I hold my soul,

I treat my duty as I treat my soul:

Both to my God and to my gracious king:

In equal measure to my God and king.

And I do think, or else this brain of mine

And I believe—and if I’m wrong, my mind

Hunts not the trail of policy so sure

Is not as true and rigorously cunning

As it hath used to do, that I have found

As once it was—that I have now discovered

The very cause of Hamlet's lunacy.

The very cause of Hamlet’s lunacy.

KING CLAUDIUS

O, speak of that; that do I long to hear.

Oh, really? Tell me! This I want to hear.

LORD POLONIUS

Give first admittance to the ambassadors;

Let’s first bring in the good ambassadors;

My news shall be the fruit to that great feast.

My news will be the cherry on the cake.

KING CLAUDIUS

Thyself do grace to them, and bring them in.

You give them great respect; yes, bring them in.

[Exit POLONIUS]

He tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath found

He tells me, Gertrude, that he’s sure he’s found

The head and source of all your son's distemper.

The root-cause of your son’s exasperation.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I doubt it is no other but the main;

I’m sure it’s nothing more than what we know:

His father's death, and our o'erhasty marriage.

His father’s death, and speed with which we wed.

KING CLAUDIUS

Well, we shall sift him.

We’ll ask him closely.

[Re-enter POLONIUS, with VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS]

Welcome, my good friends!

Welcome back, my friends!

Say, Voltimand, what from our brother Norway?

What news from Norway’s king then, Voltimand?

VOLTIMAND

Most fair return of greetings and desires.

Warm wishes and a meeting of the minds.

Upon our first, he sent out to suppress

When we first raised the issue, he suppressed

His nephew's levies; which to him appeared

His nephew’s actions, which before he’d thought

To be a preparation 'gainst the Polack;

Were preparations for a fight with Poland;

But, better looked into, he truly found

But, after probing, then he truly found

It was against your highness: whereat grieved,

It was against your Highness. So aggrieved

That so his sickness, age and impotence

That his own sickness, age and impotence

Was falsely borne in hand, sends out arrests

Had been exploited, ordered the cessation

On Fortinbras; which he, in brief, obeys;

Of Fortinbras’s plans, which he obeys;

Receives rebuke from Norway, and in fine

Lambasted by the king, and in conclusion,

Makes vow before his uncle never more

He promises his uncle that he won’t

To give the assay of arms against your majesty.

Embark upon a battle with your majesty.

Whereon old Norway, overcome with joy,

The old Norwegian king was so delighted,

Gives him three thousand crowns in annual fee,

He promised him three thousand crowns a year,

And his commission to employ those soldiers,

And his authority to use those soldiers

So levied as before, against the Polack:

He’d meant for us to now attack the Polish.

With an entreaty, herein further shown,

He sent you this request, details enclosed,

[Giving a paper]

That it might please you to give quiet pass

To ask that you allow his troops to pass

Through your dominions for this enterprise,

Across your country on their way to war,

On such regards of safety and allowance

But with assurances of your own safety,

As therein are set down.

As laid out in this text.

KING CLAUDIUS

It likes us well;

That’s all good news;

And at our more considered time well read,

I’ll read it at a more appropriate time

Answer, and think upon this business.

And contemplate the best way to reply.

Meantime we thank you for your well-took labour:

Meanwhile, we thank you for a job well done.

Go to your rest; at night we'll feast together:

Now, rest; and join us later for a banquet.

Most welcome home!

Warm welcome home!

[Exeunt VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS]

LORD POLONIUS

This business is well ended.

That all concluded well.

My liege, and madam, to expostulate

My lord and lady, to deliberate

What majesty should be, what duty is,

What sovereignty should be, what duty is,

Why day is day, night night, and time is time,

Why day is day, night’s night, and time is time

Were nothing but to waste night, day and time.

Would be a waste of day, of night, and time.

Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,

And so—since briefness is the root of wisdom,

And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,

And grand flamboyant gestures rather dull—

I will be brief: your noble son is mad:

I will be brief: your noble son is mad.

Mad call I it; for, to define true madness,

I say he’s mad, because defining madness

What is't but to be nothing else but mad?

Means all that you can call him is quite mad.

But let that go.

But never mind.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

More matter, with less art.

Quit using flowery language.

LORD POLONIUS

Madam, I swear I use no art at all.

Madam, there’s nothing flowery about it.

That he is mad, 'tis true: 'tis true 'tis pity;

It’s true he’s mad; and truly it’s a shame;

And pity 'tis 'tis true: a foolish figure;

And it’s a shame it’s true; this all sounds daft,

But farewell it, for I will use no art.

So let me stop and I will be more brief.

Mad let us grant him, then: and now remains

Now, let’s assume he’s mad, and now we must

That we find out the cause of this effect,

Identify what’s causing this effect,

Or rather say, the cause of this defect,

Or should I say, what’s causing this defect,

For this effect defective comes by cause:

For some effect is causing this defect.

Thus it remains, and the remainder thus. Perpend.

That’s how it was and will be. Ponder this.

I have a daughter--have while she is mine--

I have a daughter—mine, until she’s married—

Who, in her duty and obedience, mark,

Who, out of duty and obedience,

Hath given me this: now gather, and surmise.

Gave this to me: hear this, and then decide.

[Reads]

'To the celestial and my soul's idol, the most

“To the heavenly goddess of my heart,

beautified Ophelia,'--

The most beautified Ophelia”—

That's an ill phrase, a vile phrase; 'beautified' is

Oh, what a ghastly phrase is “beautified”,

a vile phrase: but you shall hear. Thus:

A horrid phrase; but, listen, there is more:

[Reads]

'In her excellent white bosom, these, etc.'

“In her excellent white bosom...” It goes on.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Came this from Hamlet to her?

Did Hamlet send her this?

LORD POLONIUS

Good madam, stay awhile; I will be faithful.

Good madam, listen more; I’ll read as is:

[Reads]

'Doubt thou the stars are fire;

“Doubt thou the stars are fire;

Doubt that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar;

But never doubt I love.

But never doubt I love.’

'O dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers;

My dear Ophelia, this makes me sick;

I have not art to reckon my groans: but that

I cannot verbalise my pain; just that

I love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu.

I love you so. You must believe me. Bye.

'Thine evermore most dear lady, whilst

I’ll be forever yours, my dearest lady

this machine is to him, HAMLET.'

As long as I’m alive, Hamlet.”

This, in obedience, hath my daughter shown me,

My daughter, out of duty, showed me this,

And more above, hath his solicitings,

And, more than that, spoke of his visitations

As they fell out by time, by means and place,

As they occurred in different times and places,

All given to mine ear.

So now I know them all.

KING CLAUDIUS

But how hath she

But how has she

Received his love?

Taken all this?

LORD POLONIUS

What do you think of me?

KING CLAUDIUS

As of a man faithful and honourable.

Why, as a loyal and a faithful man.

LORD POLONIUS

I would fain prove so. But what might you think,

I hope to prove it. Then what would you think

When I had seen this hot love on the wing--

If I had seen this love affair evolving—

As I perceived it, I must tell you that,

For I must say I saw it happening

Before my daughter told me--what might you,

Before my daughter told me—what would you,

Or my dear majesty your queen here, think,

Or your dear majesty the queen, believe,

If I had played the desk or table-book,

If I had been their intermediary,

Or given my heart a winking, mute and dumb,

Or if I’d kept their secret and stayed silent,

Or looked upon this love with idle sight;

Or if I’d turned a blind eye at their love,

What might you think? No, I went round to work,

What would you think? I tried to put this right

And my young mistress thus I did bespeak:

And this is what I said to my own daughter:

'Lord Hamlet is a prince, out of thy star;

“Lord Hamlet is a prince, above your standing;

This must not be:' and then I precepts gave her,

This cannot be.” I then instructed her

That she should lock herself from his resort,

To stay inside and never let him visit,

Admit no messengers, receive no tokens.

And take no messages nor any mail.

Which done, she took the fruits of my advice;

She listened and then heeded my advice.

And he, repulsed--a short tale to make--

And he, rebuffed—to cut the story short—

Fell into a sadness, then into a fast,

Became morose and then abandoned eating,

Thence to a watch, thence into a weakness,

Stopped sleeping and then he began to weaken,

Thence to a lightness, and, by this declension,

Becoming dizzy, furthering his decline

Into the madness wherein now he raves,

Till how he is today, stark raving mad,

And all we mourn for.

And that’s upsetting.

KING CLAUDIUS

Do you think 'tis this?

Do you think it’s this?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

It may be, very likely.

It sounds as though it is.

LORD POLONIUS

Hath there been such a time--I'd fain know that--

I’d like to know if there’s been any time

That I have positively said 'Tis so',

That I have said for certain how things are

When it proved otherwise?

To then be proven wrong?

KING CLAUDIUS

Not that I know.

Not that I know of.

LORD POLONIUS

[Pointing to his head and shoulder]

Take this from this, if this be otherwise:

Chop off my head if I am wrong on this!

If circumstances lead me, I will find

With little luck, I’m sure I will uncover

Where truth is hid, though it were hid indeed

Exactly where the truth is hid, indeed

Within the centre.

If buried underground.

KING CLAUDIUS

How may we try it further?

How can we test it?

LORD POLONIUS

You know, sometimes he walks four hours together

You know, sometimes he walks in four-hour stints

Here in the lobby.

Here in this lobby.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

So he does indeed.

You are right, he does.

LORD POLONIUS

At such a time I'll loose my daughter to him:

Next time he does, I’ll send my daughter to him,

Be you and I behind an arras then;

While you and I can hide behind the curtain,

Mark the encounter: if he love her not

Listening in. If he does not love her

And be not from his reason fall'n thereon,

And this is not the cause of his decline,

Let me be no assistant for a state,

I’ll stand down as a Government Official

But keep a farm and carters.

And then become a farmer.

KING CLAUDIUS

We will try it.

Let’s try that.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

But, look, where sadly the poor wretch comes reading.

But, look! Here comes the poor boy, reading sadly.

LORD POLONIUS

Away, I do beseech you, both away:

Please, hurry off, away the both of you!

I'll board him presently.

I’ll chat with him right now.

[Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and Attendants]

[Enter HAMLET, reading]

O, give me leave:

Please let me try.

How does my good Lord Hamlet?

How are you, my Lord Hamlet?

HAMLET

Well, God-a-mercy.

Good, thank God.

LORD POLONIUS

Do you know me, my lord?

HAMLET

Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.

Yes, very well: you are a fishmonger.

LORD POLONIUS

Not I, my lord.

Not me, my lord.

HAMLET

Then I would you were so honest a man.

Well, then I wish you were as decent as one.

LORD POLONIUS

Honest, my lord!

Decent, my lord?

HAMLET

Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be

Yes, sir! For being decent in this world

one man picked out of ten thousand.

means you’re the only one in ten thousand.

LORD POLONIUS

That's very true, my lord.

That’s very true, my lord.

HAMLET

For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being a

For if the sun breeds maggots on a dead dog,

god kissing carrion,--Have you a daughter?

it’s God kissing the corpse. D’you have a daughter?

LORD POLONIUS

I have, my lord.

I do, my lord.

HAMLET

Let her not walk i' the sun: conception is a

Don’t leave her in the sun! Conception is

blessing: but not as your daughter may conceive.

a blessing, but not if your daughter conceives.

Friend, look to 't.

Friend, take care.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside]

How say you by that? Still harping on my daughter:

What does he mean? Still talking of my daughter.

yet he knew me not at first; he said I

But he did not know me at first. He said

was a fishmonger: he is far gone, far gone: and

I was a fishmonger. He has gone mad.

truly in my youth I suffered much extremity for

When I was young, I suffered terribly

love; very near this. I'll speak to him again.

for love, almost like him. I’ll talk again.

What do you read, my lord?

HAMLET

Words, words, words.

LORD POLONIUS

What is the matter, my lord?

HAMLET

Between who?

LORD POLONIUS

I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.

I mean the topic matter of your book.

HAMLET

Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says here

Defamations, sir. This cynic writes

that old men have grey beards, that their faces are

that old men have grey beards, and wrinkled faces,

wrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber and

their swelling eyes excreting gloppy puss

plum-tree gum and that they have a plentiful lack of

and plum-tree gum. He says they’re rather stupid,

wit, together with most weak hams: all which, sir,

and lacking any strength within their thighs.

though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet

I’m certainly convinced of all of this,

I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for

but I don’t think it’s right to write it down,

yourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a crab

for you’d be old as me, if, like a crab,

you could go backward.

you could go backwards.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside]

Though this be madness, yet there is method

It seems as though there’s method in his madness.

in 't. Will you walk out of the air, my lord?

Will you come outside for a walk, my lord?

HAMLET

Into my grave.

LORD POLONIUS

Indeed, that is out o' the air.

Well, yes, that is outside.

[Aside]

How pregnant sometimes his replies are! A happiness

His answers are so pertinent at times.

that often madness hits on, which reason and sanity

Mad men sometimes will say what sane folk can’t

could not so prosperously be delivered of. I will

express with eloquence. I’ll leave him be,

leave him, and suddenly contrive the means of

and see if I can come up with a plan

meeting between him and my daughter.--My honourable

where he can meet my daughter. My dear lord,

lord, I will most humbly take my leave of you.

respectfully, I’ll take my leave of you.

HAMLET

You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will

There’s nothing, sir, that you could take from me

more willingly part withal: except my life, except

that I would rather lose. Except my life,

my life, except my life.

Except my life, except my life!

LORD POLONIUS

Fare you well, my lord.

Goodbye, my lord.

HAMLET

These tedious old fools!

These boring old gits!

[Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN]

LORD POLONIUS

You go to seek the Lord Hamlet; there he is.

If you’re in search of Hamlet, there he is.

ROSENCRANTZ

[To POLONIUS]

God save you, sir!

God bless you, sir!

[Exit POLONIUS]

GUILDENSTERN

My honoured lord!

ROSENCRANTZ

My most dear lord!

My dearest lord!

HAMLET

My excellent good friends! How dost thou,

My wonderful, dear friends! How are you both?

Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?

Guildenstern and Rosencrantz—how are you?!

ROSENCRANTZ

As the indifferent children of the earth.

As well as any mortal of the world!

GUILDENSTERN

Happy, in that we are not over-happy;

We’re happy, glad that we are not ecstatic,

On fortune's cap we are not the very button.

and lucky that we’re not the luckiest.

HAMLET

Nor the soles of her shoe?

Nor the most unfortunate?

ROSENCRANTZ

Neither, my lord.

HAMLET

Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of

So you’re around luck’s waist, close to

her favours?

her privates?

GUILDENSTERN

'Faith, her privates we.

Yes, near her privates.

HAMLET

In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she

In Fortune’s genitalia? She’s a slag!

is a strumpet. What's the news?

What’s new?

ROSENCRANTZ

None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest.

Not much, my lord, just that the world’s grown honest.

HAMLET

Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true

Well, then the end is nigh! But it’s not true.

Let me question more in particular: what have you,

So, come on, tell me then, what have you done,

my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,

my dearest friends, to draw the shortest straw

that she sends you to prison hither?

that luck sends you to prison here?

GUILDENSTERN

Prison, my lord!

Prison, my lord?

HAMLET

Denmark's a prison.

Denmark’s a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ

Then is the world one.

Then so is all the world.

HAMLET

A goodly one; in which there are many confines,

A massive one, with many caves and confines,

wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst.

with cells and dungeons, Denmark with the worst.

ROSENCRANTZ

We think not so, my lord.

We don’t agree, my lord.

HAMLET

Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing

Well, maybe not for you, because there’s nothing

either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me

that makes you think it’s good or bad. For me,

it is a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ

Why then, your ambition makes it one; 'tis too

Well, only as you dream of more. For you,

narrow for your mind.

this place is narrow-minded.

HAMLET

O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count

Oh God, no! I could live within a nutshell

myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I

and think I am the king in there, if not

have bad dreams.

for my bad dreams.

GUILDENSTERN

Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very

But dreams themselves all signify ambition,

substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream.

for all ambitions are the fruit of dreams.

HAMLET

A dream itself is but a shadow.

A dream is just a mirage of the mind.

ROSENCRANTZ

Truly, and I hold ambition of so airy and light a

In truth, I find ambition so light-hearted,

quality that it is but a shadow's shadow.

it’s just the shadow of a shadow’s self.

HAMLET

Then are our beggars bodies, and our monarchs and

Then beggars cast a shadow; royalty

outstretched heroes the beggars' shadows.

and so-called heroes simply shadow them.

Shall we to the court? For, by my fay, I cannot reason.

Shall we go inside? I’m not thinking straight.

ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN

We'll wait upon you.

We are your servants.

HAMLET

No such matter: I will not sort you with the rest

Oh no, you’re not. I won’t put you with those

of my servants, for, to speak to you like an honest

servants of mine, for, if I’m being honest,

man, I am most dreadfully attended. But, in the

I’m terribly looked after. But, as friends,

beaten way of friendship, what make you at Elsinore?

explain what brings you here to Elsinore.

ROSENCRANTZ

To visit you, my lord; no other occasion.

To visit you, my lord; and nothing else.

HAMLET

Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks; but I

I’m just a beggar, so my thanks are worthless,

thank you: and sure, dear friends, my thanks are

but thank you all the same, my friends, although

too dear a halfpenny. Were you not sent for? Is it

my thanks are ha’penny. Tell me, were you sent for?

your own inclining? Is it a free visitation? Come,

Or did you choose to come? Did you come freely?

deal justly with me: come, come; nay, speak.

Come on, speak up, and tell me what’s the truth.

GUILDENSTERN

What should we say, my lord?

HAMLET

Why, any thing, but to the purpose. You were sent for;

Whatever is the answer. You were sent for,

and there is a kind of confession in your looks

because you both are wearing guilty looks!

which your modesties have not craft enough to colour:

Your decency means you cannot disguise it.

I know the good king and queen have sent for you.

I know the King and Queen asked you to come.

ROSENCRANTZ

To what end, my lord?

Whatever for, my lord?

HAMLET

That you must teach me. But let me conjure you,

You should tell me that. So let me ask you,

by the rights of our fellowship, by the consonancy of our youth,

and by the bonds of friendship and our youth,

by the obligation of our ever-preserved love,

and by the everlasting love we share,

and by what more dear a better proposer could

and all the other things we should consider

charge you withal, be even and direct with me,

to make you answer straight, tell me the truth

whether you were sent for, or no?

about if you were sent for—yes or no?

ROSENCRANTZ

[Aside to GUILDENSTERN]

What say you?

What d’you think?

HAMLET

[Aside]

Nay, then, I have an eye of you.--If you love me,

I’m also watching you. If you love me,

hold not off.

tell me the truth.

GUILDENSTERN

My lord, we were sent for.

We were sent for, my lord.

HAMLET

I will tell you why; so shall my anticipation

I’ll tell you why I ask: by my forewarning,

prevent your discovery, and your secrecy to the king

you will not be discovered, and your secrets

and queen moult no feather. I have of late--but

will not be told to King and Queen. Of late—

wherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone all

I don’t know why—I’ve lost my happiness,

custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily

stopped exercising, and I’m shamed to say,

with my disposition that this goodly frame, the

I’ve started thinking everything on earth

earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most

seems pointless and deficient. For example,

excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave

the air and clouds that mightily surround us,

o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted

hanging overhead, a gilded roof

with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to

of golden fire, seem nothing more to me

me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.

than noxious, rotten-smelling clumps of vapour.

What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason!

A man is so miraculous, and noble,

how infinite in faculty! In form and moving how

intelligent, and graceful as he moves!

express and admirable! In action how like an angel!

His actions make him look just like an angel!

in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the

His understanding Godlike and his beauty

world! The paragon of animals! And yet, to me,

is unsurpassed! The king of beasts! To me,

what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not

what are we more than dust? Man doesn’t please me,

me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling

and nor do women, though I see you smiling,

you seem to say so.

you seem to think they do.

ROSENCRANTZ

My lord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts.

My lord, I wasn’t thinking that at all.

HAMLET

Why did you laugh then, when I said 'man delights notme'?

Why laugh then when I said, ‘Man doesn’t please me’?

ROSENCRANTZ

To think, my lord, if you delight not in man,

My lord, I pondered if man doesn’t please you,

what lenten entertainment the players shall receive

what awful welcome will the actors get

from you: we coted them on the way; and hither are they

from you. We passed them coming here. They’re here to

coming, to offer you service.

offer you their service.

HAMLET

He that plays the king shall be welcome; his majesty

The actor of the king’s role will be welcome;

shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight

he’ll have much praise from me. The adventurous knight

shall use his foil and target; the lover shall not

will use his sword and shield; the lover’s groans

sigh gratis; the humorous man shall end his part

won’t go unheard; the humorous man will get

in peace; the clown shall make those laugh whose

to say his part; the clown will make them laugh

lungs are tickled o' the sere; and the lady

until their lungs are dry; and then the lady

shall say her mind freely, or the blank verse shall halt

will speak her mind, or else she’ll lose the verse’s

for't. What players are they?

rhythm. Who are these actors?

ROSENCRANTZ

Even those you were wont to take delight in,

They are the ones you used to like so much,

the tragedians of the city.

the tragic actors from the city.

HAMLET

How chances it they travel? Their residence,

How come they’re travelling now? Back in the city,

both in reputation and profit, was better both ways.

both in renown and income, they’d do better.

ROSENCRANTZ

I think their inhibition comes by the means of the

I think their inability to act there

late innovation.

is due to recent news.

HAMLET

Do they hold the same estimation they did when I was

Are they still thought as good as when I lived

in the city? Are they so followed?

back in the city? Are they popular?

ROSENCRANTZ

No, indeed, are they not.

No, in truth, they’re not.

HAMLET

How comes it? Do they grow rusty?

How come? Have they grown rusty?

ROSENCRANTZ

Nay, their endeavour keeps in the wonted pace:

Oh no, they’re just as pleasing as before.

but there is, sir, an aery of children, little eyases,

But there’s a group of children, little upstarts,

that cry out on the top of question, and are most

that yell their lines out, and they seem to be

tyrannically clapped for't: these are now the

outrageously applauded. It seems these kids

fashion, and so berattle the common stages--so they

are all in vogue, upsetting classic theatre,

call them--that many wearing rapiers are afraid of

so noblemen and courtesans are frightened

goose-quills and dare scarce come thither.

of what they write, and so are scared to come.

HAMLET

What, are they children? Who maintains 'em? How are

So are they children? Who looks after them,

they escoted? Will they pursue the quality no

and takes them out? Will they continue singing

longer than they can sing? Will they not say

after their voices break? And when they’re older,

afterwards, if they should grow themselves to common

growing up to be more normal actors—

players--as it is most like, if their means are no

assuming that, like most, they have to work—

better--their writers do them wrong, to make them

their playwrights are deceiving them, removing

exclaim against their own succession?

future work when they grow up.

ROSENCRANTZ

'Faith, there has been much to do on both sides; and

In truth, both sides have had a lot to say;

the nation holds it no sin to tarre them to controversy:

the general public do not seem to care;

there was, for a while, no money bid

for quite a while, there was no bidding done

for argument, unless the poet and the player went to

to buy a play without a fight between

cuffs in the question.

the writer and the actors.

HAMLET

Is't possible?

What? Really?

GUILDENSTERN

O, there has been much throwing about of brains.

Oh yes, there’s been a shedload of debate.

HAMLET

Do the boys carry it away?

Are the boys getting away with it?

ROSENCRANTZ

Ay, that they do, my lord; Hercules and his load too.

Oh, yes, as Hercules held up the world.

HAMLET

It is not very strange; for mine uncle is king of

I’m not surprised, because my uncle’s king

Denmark, and those that would make mows at him while

of Denmark, and those folks who once attacked him

my father lived, give twenty, forty, fifty, an

when Father was alive now give a fortune,

hundred ducats a-piece for his picture in little.

perhaps one hundred coins, for a small portrait.

'Sblood, there is something in this more than

By God’s blood, there is something supernatural

natural, if philosophy could find it out.

happening here, if we all think about it.

[Flourish of trumpets within]

GUILDENSTERN

There are the players.

Here come the actors.

HAMLET

Gentlemen, you are welcome to Elsinore. Your hands,

Gentlemen, you’re welcome here in Elsinore.

come then: the appurtenance of welcome is fashion

Come on, shake hands! Their welcome calls for pomp

and ceremony: let me comply with you in this garb,

and ceremony. So shake hands with glee,

lest my extent to the players, which, I tell you,

in case the glowing greeting to the actors,

must show fairly outward, should more appear like

which I’m compelled to give, has the appearance

entertainment than yours. You are welcome: but my

of warmer than to you. You’re welcome here,

uncle-father and aunt-mother are deceived.

but uncle-father and aunty-mother are wrong.

GUILDENSTERN

In what, my dear lord?

’Bout what, my dear lord?

HAMLET

I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is

I’m only crazy when the north wind blows;

southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.

in southern winds, I’m sharper than a hawk.

[Enter POLONIUS]

LORD POLONIUS

Well be with you, gentlemen!

Good day to you, gentlemen!

HAMLET

Hark you, Guildenstern; and you too: at each ear a

Listen, Guildenstern, and you as well;

hearer: that great baby you see there is not yet

that grown-up baby over there is not

out of his swaddling-clouts.

yet out of nappies.

ROSENCRANTZ

Happily he's the second time come to them; for they

It’s fortunate he’s wearing them again,

say an old man is twice a child.

for in old age, they say you are a child.

HAMLET

I will prophesy he comes to tell me of the players;

I bet he’s come to tell me of the actors;

mark it. You say right, sir: o' Monday morning;

watch this. You are correct, for Monday morning

'twas so indeed.

was rather nice.

LORD POLONIUS

My lord, I have news to tell you.

HAMLET

My lord, I have news to tell you.

When Roscius was an actor in Rome,--

When Roscius was an actor in Rome…

LORD POLONIUS

The actors are come hither, my lord.

The actors have arrived, my lord.

HAMLET

Buz, buz!

Zzzzzzzzz!

LORD POLONIUS

Upon mine honour,--

It is the truth…

HAMLET

Then came each actor on his ass,--

…that they arrived on donkeys?

LORD POLONIUS

The best actors in the world, either for tragedy,

comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical,

historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-

comical-historical-pastoral, scene individable, or

comical-historical-pastoral, single act plays, or

poem unlimited: Seneca cannot be too heavy, nor

endless poems. They do Seneca’s tragedies

Plautus too light. For the law of writ and the

as well as Plautus’s comedies. For every type

liberty, these are the only men.

of play, these are the only men.

HAMLET

O Jephthah, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou!

O Jephthah, judge of Israel, what treasure you have!

LORD POLONIUS

What a treasure had he, my lord?

What treasure did he have, my lord?

HAMLET

Why,

Well,

'One fair daughter and no more,

‘A lovely daughter, only one,

The which he loved passing well.'

of whom he loved most dearly.’

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside]

Still on my daughter.

He’s still talking about my daughter.

HAMLET

Am I not i' the right, old Jephthah?

Am I not accurate, old Jephthah?

LORD POLONIUS

If you call me Jephthah, my lord, I have a daughter

If you’re comparing me to Jephthah, I do

that I love passing well.

have a daughter I love.

HAMLET

Nay, that follows not.

No, that makes no sense.

LORD POLONIUS

What follows, then, my lord?

Well, what make sense, my lord?

HAMLET

Why,

Well,

'As by lot, God wot',

‘As by chance, God knows…’

and then, you know,

'It came to pass, as most like it was,'--

‘It happened then, just as they said…’

the first row of the pious chanson will show you

the first row of the hymn will show you more;

more; for look, where my abridgement comes.

so take a look! Pick up where I left off.

[Enter four or five Players]

You are welcome, masters; welcome, all. I am glad

You’re welcome, maestros! Welcome all! I’m glad

to see thee well. Welcome, good friends. O, my old

to see you well. Welcome, good friends! My old friend!

friend! thy face is valenced since I saw thee last:

I see you’ve grown a beard since last we met;

comest thou to beard me in Denmark? What, my young

So have you come to help with mine? My young

lady and mistress! By'r lady, your ladyship is

lady and mistress! By Our Lady, my lady

nearer to heaven than when I saw you last, by the

you’ve grown closer to heaven since I saw you

altitude of a chopine. Pray God, your voice, like

by height of platform shoes. I pray your voice, then,

apiece of uncurrent gold, be not cracked within the ring.

is not cracked like a coin and hasn’t broken.

Masters, you are all welcome. We'll e'en

All masters: you’re all welcome! Let’s get started

to't like French falconers, fly at any thing we see:

like falconers from France; all is in play.

we'll have a speech straight: come, give us a taste

Let’s start now with a speech and share a sample

of your quality; come, a passionate speech.

of just how good you are. Come, speak with verve.

FIRST PLAYER

What speech, my lord?

Which speech, my lord?

HAMLET

I heard thee speak me a speech once, but it was

I heard you give a speech once, but it was

never acted; or, if it was, not above once; for the

never performed, at least not more than once,

play, I remember, pleased not the million; 'twas

because it didn’t go down very well;

caviare to the general: but it was--as I received

too rich for broad consumption. I remember,

it, and others, whose judgments in such matters

along with other critics far more skilled

cried in the top of mine--an excellent play,

than I in this, a stirring, sterling play,

well digested in the scenes, set down with as much

well-structured in its pacing and performed

modesty as cunning. I remember, one said there

with subtle guile. I recollect a comment

were no sallets in the lines to make the matter

that there were no redundant lines to act

savoury, nor no matter in the phrase that might

as filler, nor no phrases that could be

indict the author of affectation; but called it an

construed as pompousness; they said it was

honest method, as wholesome as sweet, and by very

an unambiguous and wholesome play,

much more handsome than fine. One speech in it I

bighearted more than garish. One speech in it

chiefly loved: 'twas Aeneas' tale to Dido; and

I liked the most was Aeneas’s tale to Dido,

thereabout of it especially, where he speaks of

and, in particular, when he was talking

Priam's slaughter: if it live in your memory,

of Priam’s slaughter. If you can recall it,

begin at this line: let me see, let me see--

begin at this line: wait, just let me see…

'The rugged Pyrrhus, like the Hyrcanian beast,'--

“The rugged Pyrrhus, like the Hyrcanian beast,”

it is not so:--it begins with Pyrrhus:--

—that was it, right? It does begin with Pyrrhus?—

'The rugged Pyrrhus, he whose sable arms,

“The rugged Pyrrhus, with his darkened arms

Black as his purpose, did the night resemble

As black as his intent, bleak as the night

When he lay couched in the ominous horse,

When he lay hidden in the Trojan horse,

Hath now this dread and black complexion smeared

Has now smeared his fearful, black complexion

With heraldry more dismal; head to foot

With horrifying blood. From head to toe

Now is he total gules; horridly tricked

He’s glowing glaring-red, horribly coated

With blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, sons,

Baked and impasted with the parching streets,

Caked on, encrusted, by the streets he burned

That lend a tyrannous and damned light

That lend a fearsome, terrifying light

To their lord's murder: roasted in wrath and fire,

From those he murdered. Fired by furious anger,

And thus o'er-sized with coagulate gore,

And caked in gruesome, calcifying blood,

With eyes like carbuncles, the hellish Pyrrhus

Red eyes like glowing jewels, the beastly Pyrrhus

Old grandsire Priam seeks.'

Goes searching for the grandfather Priam.”

So, proceed you.

So, carry on.

LORD POLONIUS

'Fore God, my lord, well spoken, with good accent and

My God, my lord. Superb articulation

good discretion.

and understanding.

FIRST PLAYER

'Anon he finds him

“Soon Priam finds him

Striking too short at Greeks; his antique sword,

Flailing at the Greeks, his ancient sword

Rebellious to his arm, lies where it falls,

Not doing as intended, dropped to earth,

Repugnant to command: unequal matched,

Ignoring his commands. And now outclassed,

Pyrrhus at Priam drives; in rage strikes wide;

Pyrrhus strikes out at Priam, but strikes wide,

But with the whiff and wind of his fell sword

But by the smell and breeze of Pyrrhus’ sword,

The unnerved father falls. Then senseless Ilium,

The shaken Priam falls. Then Ilium city,

Seeming to feel this blow, with flaming top

Seeming to feel this blow, bursts into flames

Stoops to his base, and with a hideous crash

And crumbles to the ground with mighty racket,

Takes prisoner Pyrrhus' ear: for, lo! His sword,

Thus making Pyrrhus freeze. For, look! His sword,

Which was declining on the milky head

Which was descending to the pasty head

Of reverend Priam, seemed i' the air to stick:

Of sacred Priam, seemed to stop mid-air.

So, as a painted tyrant, Pyrrhus stood,

So Pyrrhus froze, just like a tyrant’s portrait,

And like a neutral to his will and matter,

And like someone who can’t do as he chooses,

Did nothing.

But, as we often see, against some storm,

But as is often common in a storm,

A silence in the heavens, the rack stand still,

The clouds are still and silence fills the air,

The bold winds speechless and the orb below

The winds stop blowing and the earth below

As hush as death, anon the dreadful thunder

Sits calm as death; but then a clap of thunder

Doth rend the region, so, after Pyrrhus' pause,

Rattles the sky, so after Pyrrhus pauses,

Aroused vengeance sets him new a-work;

His anger’s re-aroused and sets him off;

And never did the Cyclops' hammers fall

And never did the Cyclops’ hammers fall on

On Mars's armour forged for proof eterne

The God of Wars impenetrable armour

With less remorse than Pyrrhus' bleeding sword

With less remorse than Pyrrhus’ bleeding sword

Now falls on Priam.

Out, out, thou strumpet, Fortune! All you gods,

Get out, you hooker, Fortune! All you Gods

In general synod 'take away her power;

Gang up together to annul her power;

Break all the spokes and fellies from her wheel,

Break all the spokes and workings of her wheels,

And bowl the round nave down the hill of heaven,

And roll the remnants down the hill of heaven

As low as to the fiends!'

And through the gates of hell.”

LORD POLONIUS

This is too long.

HAMLET

It shall to the barber's, with your beard. Prithee,

They’ll cut it, like your beard. I beg you, please

say on: he's for a jig or a tale of bawdry, or he

speak on. He likes the dances or the sex scenes;

sleeps: say on: come to Hecuba.

else, sleeps. To Hecuba, the Trojan Queen.

FIRST PLAYER

'But who, O, who had seen the mobled queen--'

“But who, oh who, had seen the veiled queen…”

HAMLET

'The mobled queen'?

“The veiled queen”?

LORD POLONIUS

That's good; 'mobled queen' is good.

That’s good: “veiled queen” is good.

FIRST PLAYER

'Run barefoot up and down, threatening the flames

“…Run barefoot, threatening to quell the flames

With bisson rheum; a clout upon that head

With floods of tears; a cloth upon her head

Where late the diadem stood, and for a robe,

Where previously her crown had stood; her dress,

About her lank and all o'er-teemed loins,

Around her long and child-bearing hips,

A blanket, in the alarm of fear caught up;

A blanket, quickly thrown around in fear.

Who this had seen, with tongue in venom steeped,

Even the most vindictive person seeing this

Gainst Fortune's state would treason have pronounced:

Would state that lady luck had gone too far;

But if the gods themselves did see her then

But if the Gods themselves had seen her then,

When she saw Pyrrhus make malicious sport

As she saw Pyrrhus playing sport with malice

In mincing with his sword her husband's limbs,

As with his sword he chopped her husband’s limbs,

The instant burst of clamour that she made,

The instant howls of horror that she wailed—

Unless things mortal move them not at all,

Unless the Gods weren’t moved by mortal beings—

Would have made milch the burning eyes of heaven,

Would sure have made the eyes of heaven sob

And passion in the gods.'

And moved the Gods to cry.”

LORD POLONIUS

Look, whether he has not turned his colour and has

Look at his face: he’s reddened and he’s crying

tears in's eyes. Pray you, no more.

with tears on his face. I beg, no more.

HAMLET

'Tis well: I'll have thee speak out the rest soon.

Agree. I’ll have you speak the rest out later.

Good my lord, will you see the players well

My lord, will you ensure these splendid actors

bestowed? Do you hear, let them be well used; for

are comfortable? Be sure they’re treated well,

they are the abstract and brief chronicles of the

for they’re the concise keepers of our time.

time: after your death you were better have a bad

Once dead, it’s best to have a tainted gravestone

epitaph than their ill report while you live.

than damaged reputation whilst alive.

LORD POLONIUS

My lord, I will use them according to their desert.

My lord, I’ll give them all that they deserve.

HAMLET

God's bodykins, man, much better: use every man

Good heavens, man, do more than that. Give them

after his desert, and who should 'scape whipping?

all they deserve, then who’d escape a whipping?

Use them after your own honour and dignity: the less

So, treat them with your honour and respect:

they deserve, the more merit is in your bounty.

the less that they deserve, the greater gift.

Take them in.

Look after them.

LORD POLONIUS

Come, sirs.

HAMLET

Follow him, friends: we'll hear a play to-morrow.

Go with him, friends. We’ll watch a play tomorrow.

[Exit POLONIUS with all the Players but the First]

Dost thou hear me, old friend; can you play the

Now, listen up, old friend: can you perform

Murder of Gonzago?

The Murder of Gonzago?

FIRST PLAYER

Ay, my lord.

Yes, my lord.

HAMLET

We'll ha't to-morrow night. You could, for a need,

Perform it then tomorrow night. Can you

study a speech of some dozen or sixteen lines, which

recite a speech of twelve to sixteen lines

I would set down and insert in't, could you not?

that I will write to add into the play?

FIRST PLAYER

Ay, my lord.

Yes, my lord.

HAMLET

Very well. Follow that lord; and look you mock him not.

Outstanding. Follow him; don’t wind him up.

[Exit First Player]

My good friends, I'll leave you till night: you are

My friends, I’ll see you later on tonight;

welcome to Elsinore.

ROSENCRANTZ

Good my lord!

Excellent.

HAMLET

Ay, so, God be wi' ye;

Oh yes, and God be with you.

[Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN]

Now I am alone.

O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

Oh, what a vagrant waste of space I am.

Is it not monstrous that this player here,

Is it not so unfair that this here actor,

But in a fiction, in a dream of passion,

With only fiction and his passionate dreams,

Could force his soul so to his own conceit

Could force himself to think his own deception

That from her working all his visage wanned,

Is real enough to make his image fade,

Tears in his eyes, distraction in's aspect,

To drive himself to tears and seem distracted,

A broken voice, and his whole function suiting

His voice to quiver, and his whole appearance

With forms to his conceit? And all for nothing!

To match the made-up image? And for what?

For Hecuba!

What's Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba,

Who’s Hecuba to him, or he to her,

That he should weep for her? What would he do,

That he should cry for her? How would he act

Had he the motive and the cue for passion

If he was motivated out of passion

That I have? He would drown the stage with tears

Like I am? He would drown the stage with tears

And cleave the general ear with horrid speech,

And burst the eardrums of the crowd with slander,

Make mad the guilty and appal the free,

Turning the guilty mad, shocking the guiltless,

Confound the ignorant, and amaze indeed

Confusing simpletons, and startling

The very faculties of eyes and ears. Yet I,

The public’s eyes and ears. But then, there’s me,

A dull and muddy-mettled rascal, peak,

A pitiful, weak-minded knucklehead,

Like John-a-dreams, unpregnant of my cause,

Head-in-the-clouds; toothless, despite my motives,

And can say nothing; no, not for a king,

Remaining mute; not even for a king

Upon whose property and most dear life

Whose throne was stolen and his life destroyed,

A damned defeat was made. Am I a coward?

Defeated wickedly. Am I a coward?

Who calls me villain? Breaks my pate across?

Who says I’m evil? Whacks me on the head?

Plucks off my beard, and blows it in my face?

Plucks off my beard and blows it in my face?

Tweaks me by the nose? Gives me the lie i' the throat,

Who tweaks my nose? Who says that I’m a liar

As deep as to the lungs? Who does me this?

Deep down inside? So, who would do that to me?

Ha!

'Swounds, I should take it: for it cannot be

By God’s wounds, I’d accept it, for I’m just

But I am pigeon-livered and lack gall

As timid as an acquiescent pigeon

To make oppression bitter, or ere this

That flies off faced with danger, but instead

I should have fatted all the region kites

I should have fed the local hawks and vultures

With this slave's offal: bloody, bawdy villain!

With all the bawdy king’s intestines. Villain!

Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!

Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, wretched villain!

O, vengeance!

Oh, vengeance!

Why, what an ass am I! This is most brave,

Why, what a fool am I! Oh, aren’t I brave,

That I, the son of a dear father murdered,

For I—a son whose father, cruelly murdered,

Prompted to my revenge by heaven and hell,

Instructed to revenge his death from purgatory—

Must, like a whore, unpack my heart with words,

Just like a whore, spews vapid words of woe,

And fall a-cursing, like a very drab,

Collapsing as I cuss, as hookers do,

A scullion!

A male pimp!

Fie upon't! Foh! About, my brain! I have heard

Oh, damn it! Damn! Refocus! I have heard

That guilty creatures sitting at a play

That guilty people witnessing a play,

Have by the very cunning of the scene

Have, by convincing nature of the scene,

Been struck so to the soul that presently

Been moved so deeply that they soon decide

They have proclaimed their malefactions;

To self-confess the crime they’re guilty of.

For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak

This murder, though it cannot speak, will tell

With most miraculous organ. I'll have these players

The truth by magic. I will ask these actors

Play something like the murder of my father

To act a scene just like my father’s murder,

Before mine uncle: I'll observe his looks;

And then I’ll watch my uncle in the crowd.

I'll tent him to the quick: if he but blench,

I’ll watch him, and if he so much as flinches,

I know my course. The spirit that I have seen

I know what I must do. The ghost I saw

May be the devil: and the devil hath power

Might be the devil, and the devil can

To assume a pleasing shape; yea, and perhaps

Mutate to something kind; and yes, perhaps,

Out of my weakness and my melancholy,

Out of my weakness and my maudlin thoughts,

As he is very potent with such spirits,

Because the devil’s strong in states like that,

Abuses me to damn me: I'll have grounds

He tries to trick me. I’ll then have the proof

More relative than this: the play 's the thing

More than I have today: the play’s the thing

Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king.

Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king.

[Exit]