ACT 1
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]
SIR TOBY BELCH
What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
Why does my niece lament her brother’s death
her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
as though it were the plague? It can’t be healthy.
MARIA
By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'
Sir Toby, in God’s name, come back here sooner
nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great
each night. Your cousin, to whom I’m maid, dislikes
exceptions to your ill hours.
you staying out so late.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, let her except, before excepted.
I take exception to her flawed exception!
MARIA
Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest
Yes, but you should conduct yourself within
limits of order.
the confines of acceptable behaviour.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:
Confines? I’m only confined by my clothing.
these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be
These clothes are good enough to drink in; also
these boots too: an they be not, let them hang
these boots are too. And if they’re not, they’ll hang
themselves in their own straps.
themselves by their own laces!
MARIA
That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard
Your bingeing drunkenness will be your downfall.
my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish
Just yesterday, she mentioned it and also
knight that you brought in one night here
spoke of a foolish knight you once brought home
to be her wooer.
to chat her up.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
Who? Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA
Ay, he.
Yes, him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
He’s tall as any man here in Illyria.
MARIA
What's that to the purpose?
What’s that got to do with it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
He earns three thousand ducats every year!
MARIA
Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:
Yes, but he loses all of them each year.
he's a very fool and a prodigal.
He’s foolish with his money, over-lavish.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Fie, that you'll say so! He plays o' the
Go wash your mouth with soap! For he can play
viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages
the cello, and speaks three or four languages
word for word without book, and hath all the good
without a dictionary, and has been blessed
gifts of nature.
with natural talent.
MARIA
He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that
He has been blessed indeed, because not only
he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that
is he a fool, he’s argumentative,
he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he
and if he wasn’t also such a coward
hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent
when arguing with gusto, it’s been said
he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
somebody would have put him in his grave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors
I tell you, they are lowlife criticisers
that say so of him. Who are they?
that speak of him like that. Tell me, who are they?
MARIA
They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.
Those folk who say he's drunk each night with you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to
By drinking toasts to my dear niece. I’ll toast her
her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
as long as there’s a passage in my throat and
drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill
Illyria has drink. What cowardly scumbag
that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn
won’t toast my niece until his brains are spinning
o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
just like a spinning-top, hey wench?
Castiliano vulgo! For here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Eh up! Here comes Sir Andrew Agueface right now!
[Enter SIR ANDREW]
SIR ANDREW
Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch!
Sir Toby Belch! What’s up, Sir Toby Belch?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sweet Sir Andrew!
My dear Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW
Bless you, fair shrew.
Bless you, my pretty mouse.
MARIA
And you too, sir.
And you too, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
Go chat her up, Sir Andrew! Chat her up!
SIR ANDREW
What's that?
Who is she?
SIR TOBY BELCH
My niece's chambermaid.
My niece’s chambermaid.
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better
Good Mistress Chatterup, I’d like to get
acquaintance.
to know you better.
MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.
My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Mary Accost,--
Good Mistress Mary Chatterup…
SIR TOBY BELCH
You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
You’ve got this wrong, dear boy. By ‘chat her up’,
her, woo her, assail her.
I mean seduce her, woo her, kiss her…shag her!
SIR ANDREW
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
Good gracious, I would not do that to her
company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
in front of you. Is that what ‘Chatterup’ means?
MARIA
Fare you well, gentlemen.
Goodbye, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY BELCH
An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst
If you just let her leave like this, Sir Andrew,
never draw sword again.
you don’t deserve to draw your sword again.
SIR ANDREW
An you part so, mistress, I would I might never
If you just leave, my dear, I don’t deserve
draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have
to draw my sword again. Good lady, do you
fools in hand?
think that your hands are full of fools?
MARIA
Sir, I have not you by the hand.
Sir, I don’t have you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
Indeed you don’t, not yet; but here’s my hand.
MARIA
Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring
Now sir, I am entitled to opinions.
your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
I urge you, wet your hands here at the bar.
SIR ANDREW
Wherefore, sweet-heart? What's your metaphor?
What for, sweetheart? What do you really mean?
MARIA
It's dry, sir.
Sir, just my dry humour.
SIR ANDREW
Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can
Well, I think so. I’m not so stupid that
keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?
my hands get wet by rain. But what’s the joke?
MARIA
A dry jest, sir.
Sir, just a dry joke.
SIR ANDREW
Are you full of them?
Do you have many jokes?
MARIA
Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends:
Yes, sir, they’re at the tip of every finger.
marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.
But letting go of you, my jokes are gone.
[Exit]
SIR TOBY BELCH
O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I
Dear boy, you need Canary Island wine!
see thee so put down?
When have I ever seen you so outwitted?
SIR ANDREW
Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary
You never have, except when I was drunk by
put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
too much Canary wine. I sometimes think
than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
I am no smarter than a simple Christian.
great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
But, also, I eat beef, and that dulls one’s wit.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No question.
No question.
SIR ANDREW
An I thought that, I'ld forswear it.
I’d give it up if I really believed that.
I'll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.
Tomorrow, I’ll be riding home, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Pourquoi, my dear knight?
Pourquoi, my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
What is 'Pourquoi'? Do or not do? I would I had
What does ‘pourquoi’ mean? Should I? Should I not?
bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
I wish I’d spent more time rehearsing language
fencing, dancing and bear-baiting:
as I did fencing, dancing, bearbaiting.
O, had I but followed the arts!
I should have studied arts!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
If so, you’d have a lovely head of hair.
SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have mended my hair?
Why, would that then have rectified my hair?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
Without a doubt; it won’t curl on its own.
SIR ANDREW
But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
It doesn’t look too bad though, does it not?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
Divine! Like wool spun on a spinning shaft;
hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
I hope you get between a slapper’s legs
and spin it off.
and that she spins it off to turn you bald.
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece
Sir Toby, I’ll be going home tomorrow.
will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one
I’ll never see your niece, or if I do,
she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
she won't see me. The Count wants to seduce her.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
She won’t go with the Count. She’s not attracted
her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit;
to smarter, richer, older, funnier men.
I have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't, man.
I heard her swear it; you’ve still got a chance.
SIR ANDREW
I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
I’ll stay another month. I am a chap with
strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
the world’s most unique mind. I love displays
and revels sometimes altogether.
of dancing, merriment; sometimes, together.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
Are you good at those fun frivolities?
SIR ANDREW
As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
As good as any man here in Illyria…
degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare
…except, of course, by those better than me…
with an old man.
…or those ones who have done it more than me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
How good are you at hot-step dance, then knight?
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I can cut a caper.
I tell you, I can really cut the mustard.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And I can cut the mutton to't.
And I can cut the mutton with it too.
SIR ANDREW
And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong
And I can do the backward kick as well
as any man in Illyria.
as any man here in Illyria.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have
Why do you hide these skills? Why close a curtain
these gifts a curtain before 'em? Are they like to
around these gifts you have? Should they be getting
take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? Why dost
all dusty, like that painting? Why not go
thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
to church doing the hot-step, then return
a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
by skipping? I would dance instead of walking.
so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace.
I’d even take a piss doing the five-step!
What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?
What are you thinking? Why d’you hide your skills?
I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg,
I thought that, judging by your shapely leg,
it was formed under the star of a galliard.
it had been born below a dancing star.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
Oh yes, it’s strong, and it looks rather fine
flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
in chestnut-coloured stockings. Shall we dance?
SIR TOBY BELCH
What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?
What else is there to do? Weren't we born Taurus?
SIR ANDREW
Taurus! That's sides and heart.
Of Taurus? That one governs sides and heart.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the
No, sir: it governs legs and thighs. Let’s dance.
caper; ha! Higher: ha, ha! Excellent!
Ha, higher! Ha, ha, you are excellent!
[Exeunt]
