ACT 2
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN]
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
Come along, Signior Fabian.
FABIAN
Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport,
I’m coming! If I miss a moment’s mockery
let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
then boil me to death with endless sadness.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly
Won’t you be glad to see that condescending,
rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
back-stabbing goon downright humiliated?
FABIAN
I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'
I’d love it, mate. You know he got me in
favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
to trouble with my lady when bearbaiting.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will
To wind him up, let’s get the bear again,
fool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?
and trick him into beating up himself, hey Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW
An we do not, it is pity of our lives.
If not, we will regret it all our lives.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Here comes the little villain.
Here comes the little rascal.
[Enter MARIA]
How now, my metal of India!
What’s occurring, my dearest girl of gold?
MARIA
Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's
You three, go hide behind the hedge. Malvolio
coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the
is walking down the path. He’s been outside
sun practising behaviour to his own shadow
to practise his behaviour to his shadow
this half hour: observe him, for the love of mockery;
for half an hour. Watch him for a laugh,
for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him.
because that letter will make him a fool.
Close, in the name of jesting!
Hide, in the name of true tomfoolery!
Lie thou there,
I’ll put this letter here,
[Throws down a letter]
for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
because here comes the fish we'll catch through mockery.
[Exit]
[Enter MALVOLIO]
MALVOLIO
'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told
It is just luck, sheer luck. Maria told me
me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come
that once she liked me; I have heard her say
thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one
that if she fell in love, it would be with
of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more
someone who looks like me. And she thinks of me
exalted respect than any one else that follows her.
with greater admiration than all others.
What should I think on't?
So, then, what should I believe?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Here's an overweening rogue!
He’s such a pompous twerp.
FABIAN
O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare
Oh, shush! His contemplation makes him more
turkey-cock of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!
a snooty peacock. Watch him preen his feathers!
SIR ANDREW
'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
Good gracious, how I’d like to punch this twit!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Peace, I say.
Be quiet, I tell you.
MALVOLIO
To be Count Malvolio!
Imagine this: I’m Count Malvolio.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ah, rogue!
You goon!
SIR ANDREW
Pistol him, pistol him.
Shoot him, shoot him!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Peace, peace!
Quiet!
MALVOLIO
There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy
It has been done before: the lady from
married the yeoman of the wardrobe.
the Strachy village wed her wardrobe-man.
SIR ANDREW
Fie on him, Jezebel!
God damn this man!
FABIAN
O, peace! Now he's deeply in: look how
Be quiet! For he’s fallen for our trap,
imagination blows him.
and his imagination pumps his ego.
MALVOLIO
Having been three months married to her,
And three months after I’ve been wed to her,
sitting in my state,--
sat in my state room…
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!
I wish I had a catapult to stone him!
MALVOLIO
Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown;
…I’ll convene my servants, in my embroidered gown,
having come from a day-bed, where I have left
returning from my daybed, having left
Olivia sleeping,--
Olivia sleeping…
SIR TOBY BELCH
Fire and brimstone!
All hell’s breaking loose!
FABIAN
O, peace, peace!
Oh, shush, shush!
MALVOLIO
And then to have the humour of state; and after a
…and then adopt a high-and-mighty pose;
demure travel of regard, telling them I know my
and after I had gently scoured the room,
place as I would they should do theirs,
confirming my position and them theirs,
to for my kinsman Toby,--
I’d call upon my relative, Sir Toby…
SIR TOBY BELCH
Bolts and shackles!
Well, bloody hell!
FABIAN
O peace, peace, peace! Now, now.
Oh, peace, be quiet now!
MALVOLIO
Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make
Then seven servants leave obediently
out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind
to find him. I will frown awhile, and maybe wind up
up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby
my watch, or fiddle with…some jewellery. Toby
approaches; courtesies there to me,--
comes, and bows before me…
SIR TOBY BELCH
Shall this fellow live?
Will this chap take our bait?
FABIAN
Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
He will if we keep quiet, so shut up!
MALVOLIO
I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar
I’ll hold my hand to him like this, resisting
smile with an austere regard of control,--
the urge to smile, a stern look of control…
SIR TOBY BELCH
And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
Then won’t Sir Toby punch you in the face?
MALVOLIO
Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on
…saying, “My cousin Toby, my good fortune
your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--
in marrying your niece means I can say this…"
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, what?
Say what?
MALVOLIO
'You must amend your drunkenness.'
“You must stop getting drunk.”
SIR TOBY BELCH
Out, scab!
Sod off, twerp!
FABIAN
Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
No, wait, or we’ll destroy the plot we have!
MALVOLIO
'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with
“Besides, you’re wasting all your precious time
a foolish knight,'--
with an idiotic knight…”
SIR ANDREW
That's me, I warrant you.
That’s me, I bet you!
MALVOLIO
'One Sir Andrew,'--
“That Sir Andrew.”
SIR ANDREW
I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
I knew he meant me! Many call me foolish.
MALVOLIO
What employment have we here?
What business have we here?
[Taking up the letter]
FABIAN
Now is the woodcock near the gin.
The foolish bird is eyeing up our trap.
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, peace! And the spirit of humour intimate
Hush, in the name of humour, let’s all hope
reading aloud to him!
he reads it out aloud.
MALVOLIO
By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her
I bet my life this is my lady’s writing!
very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her
These letters are her c’s, her u’s and t’s,
great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.
and capital P’s. It's definitely her handwriting.
SIR ANDREW
Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?
Her c’s, her u’s, her t’s. What letter’s missing?
MALVOLIO
[Reads]
'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good
“To him who does not know I love him so,
wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.
best wishes.” They’re her words! I’ll break this wax seal;
Soft! And the impressure her Lucrece, with which she
this imprint in the wax is from the stamp
uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?
she seals her envelopes. It’s her! Who's it addressed to?
FABIAN
This wins him, liver and all.
This will wholeheartedly convince him.
MALVOLIO
[Reads]
Jove knows I love: But who?
I am in love, by Jove, but who’s the beau?
Lips, do not move;
Be still, my lips, don’t move:
No man must know.
No man must know.
'No man must know.' What follows? The numbers
“No man must know.” What’s after that? The rhythm
altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be
has changed. “No man must know.” This could be you,
thee, Malvolio?
Malvolio!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Marry, hang thee, brock!
Go hang yourself, you smelly badger!
MALVOLIO
[Reads]
I may command where I adore;
I may command who I adore
But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
But must stay silent, like a knife
With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:
that’s murdered one like me before;
M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.
M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.
FABIAN
A fustian riddle!
A made-up, gibberish riddle!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent wench, say I.
Outstanding work, my dear, I say.
MALVOLIO
'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first,
“M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.” But, first,
let me see, let me see, let me see.
well, let me see; well, let me see.
FABIAN
What dish o' poison has she dressed him!
Oh, what a poisoned chalice she has made him!
SIR TOBY BELCH
And with what wing the staniel cheques at it!
And see how fast the kestrel takes the bait!
MALVOLIO
'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may
“I may command where I adore.” Well, she
command me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this
commands me; and I serve my lady. Well, this
is evident to any formal capacity; there is no
is obvious to normal minds. There’s nothing
obstruction in this: and the end,--what should
to doubt about this. And the ending…what does
that alphabetical position portend? If I could make
the order of those letters mean? If I could
that resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A, I,--
tie them to me…hold on! “M.O.I.A”…
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.
Go on now, make it up. He’s struggling.
FABIAN
Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as
This stupid hound will claim he understands,
rank as a fox.
despite the plan is reeking of deception.
MALVOLIO
M,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.
“M”—Malvolio. My name begins with M!
FABIAN
Did not I say he would work it out? The cur is
Did I not say he’d work it out? That dog
excellent at faults.
is good at finding clues, you know.
MALVOLIO
M,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel;
“M.” But, after, there’s no continuity
that suffers under probation A should follow but O does.
in lettering. “A” should follow, but it's "O."
FABIAN
And O shall end, I hope.
And “ohh” will end it all, I hope.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!
Yes, or I’ll clobber him and make him cry 'Oh!"
MALVOLIO
And then I comes behind.
And then “I” comes afterwards.
FABIAN
Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see
Yes; if you looked behind you, you’d observe
more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you.
the trick that we are playing, not good fortune.
MALVOLIO
M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and
“M.O.A.I.” This code is different, but if
yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for
I mix it up, it then becomes about me, for
every one of these letters are in my name.
then every letter is within my name.
Soft! Here follows prose.
Hold on, there is more writing:
[Reads]
'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I
“If you find this, then turn it over. In rank
am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some
I am above you, but do not fear greatness. Some
are born great, some achieve greatness, and some
are born great, some achieve greatness, and some
have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open
have greatness thrust upon them. Good fortune shines
their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them;
on you; embrace it with your mind and body,
and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be,
And so, prepare for who you will become,
cast thy humble slough and appear fresh.
discarding all your lowly ways; be strong.
Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;
Debate a gentleman, demean your servants.
let thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into
Talk politics with others and then always
the trick of singularity: she thus advises thee
stand your ground. That’s how the one who wants you
that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy
hopes you’ll be. Remember who admired
yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever
your yellow stockings, and who wished you wore them
cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art
criss-crossed. And remember, you will succeed
made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see
if you so wish. But if you don’t, just stay
thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and
a humble servant, and mix with them, declining
not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.
this good fortune that's come your way. Goodbye,
She that would alter services with thee,
from her who’ll switch to now serve you.
THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'
The lucky one who’s lacking happiness.”
Daylight and champaign discovers not more:
The daylight in the country’s less revealing!
this is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors,
This is so clear. I will be proud; well read;
I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance,
I’ll mystify Sir Toby; dump poor friends;
I will be point-devise the very man.
and I will be the perfect gentleman.
I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade me;
I’m not fooling myself with worn imagination,
for every reason excites to this, that my lady
for all this demonstrates that my lady
loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late,
loves me. She complimented my yellow stockings,
she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;
and praised how I’d crossed-gartered round my leg,
and in this she manifests herself to my love,
and through this she declares her love for me,
and with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits
and asks that I get dressed up how she likes
of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will
to see me. I’m thankful and I’m happy. I’ll be
be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and
brusque, in my yellow stockings, wearing them
cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting on.
cross-gartered, which I’ll put on right away.
Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a
Good lord, I thank my lucky stars! But here’s
postscript.
another note:
[Reads]
'Thou canst not choose but know who I am.
“You must have worked out who I am by now.
If thou entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling;
If you do love me, let me know by smiling;
thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my
your smile does suit you well. So, in my presence,
presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'
keep smiling then, my sweet, I beg of you.”
Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do
By Jove, I thank you. I will smile, whatever
everything that thou wilt have me.
you want for me to do.
[Exit]
FABIAN
I will not give my part of this sport for a pension
I will not miss this even if you paid me
of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
the Shah of Persia’s fortune all my life.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I could marry this wench for this device.
I’d wed the woman who devised this plan.
SIR ANDREW
So could I too.
And so would I.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
I'd ask no money, just another prank.
SIR ANDREW
Nor I neither.
I wouldn’t either.
FABIAN
Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
Here comes our special catcher of the fools.
[Re-enter MARIA]
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
Will you stand on my neck in my submission?
SIR ANDREW
Or o' mine either?
Or on mine too?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Shall I play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy
Shall I roll dice to risk my freedom, losing
bond-slave?
to you and thus become a slave of yours?
SIR ANDREW
I' faith, or I either?
In truth, me too?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, thou hast put him in such a dream,
You’ve put him in a dream so magical
that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad.
that when he learns the truth, he will go mad.
MARIA
Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?
No, come on, speak the truth now: did it work?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
Like whisky on a nurse.
MARIA
If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark
If you desire to see the outcome, then
his first approach before my lady: he will come to
watch how he is first time he sees my lady.
her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she
He’ll come in yellow stockings; it’s a colour
abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;
she hates; cross-gartering she too detests;
and he will smile upon her, which will now be so
and he will smile at her, which, how she is now,
unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a
is inappropriate for how she feels,
melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him
for she is always sad, and it is sure
into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.
she'll feel contempt. To see it, follow me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
Off to the gates of hell, you splendid prankster!
SIR ANDREW
I'll make one too.
I’m coming too!
[Exeunt]
