ACT 3
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN]
SIR ANDREW
No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.
I tell you, I won’t stay a second longer.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.
Oh, venomous one, do please tell me why.
FABIAN
You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.
You have to share your reasoning, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the
I swear I saw your niece be friendlier
count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;
to Count Orsino’s servant than to me.
I saw't i' the orchard.
I saw it in the orchard.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Did she see thee the while, old boy? Tell me that.
Did she see you there, Andrew? Tell me that.
SIR ANDREW
As plain as I see you now.
She saw me just as well as I see you now.
FABIAN
This was a great argument of love in her toward you.
So that suggests it shows her love for you.
SIR ANDREW
'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?
By God’s light, do you take me for a fool?
FABIAN
I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of
I’ll prove it’s true, and reasoning and judgement
judgment and reason.
will swear an oath it’s true.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And they have been grand-jury-men since before
For reasoning and judgement are the jury
Noah was a sailor.
since Noah built his ark.
FABIAN
She did show favour to the youth in your sight only
She only showed an interest in the youth
to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour,
to make you jealous, just to prick your courage,
to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.
to stoke your heart and sulphurise your liver.
You should then have accosted her; and with some
You should have flirted with her, and with humour,
excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should
told cracking gags, like newly minted coins,
have banged the youth into dumbness.
to knock the youth to incapacitation.
This was looked for at your hand, and this was balked:
She looked for this in you, but yet you blew it.
the double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off,
You screwed your gilt-edge opportunity
and you are now sailed into the north of my
and now you’ve drifted off into a memory
lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle
she has, where you will hang like icicles
on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by
upon a Dutchman’s beard, unless you do
some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.
a brave or cunning thing.
SIR ANDREW
An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy
I must be brave; I’d hate to be thought cunning.
I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.
I’d sooner be a puritan than conman.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis
Why, then, go change your fortune with an act
of valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight
of valour. Challenge Orsino’s youth to fight
with him; hurt him in eleven places:
with you and hurt him in eleven places.
my niece shall take note of it; and assure thyself,
My niece will notice you, and let me tell you,
there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail
there’s nothing in the world that brokers love
in man's commendation with woman than report of valour.
for women more than men who are courageous.
FABIAN
There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
You have no other choices left, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW
Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?
Will either of you take my challenge to him?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;
Go write it in a warlike style. Be short
it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun
and rude. Try not to make it witty but keep
of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:
it smart, and tease him with your feisty words.
if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be
And if you patronise him more than three times,
amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of
that’s not a problem; write as many lies
paper, although the sheet were big enough for the
as fit upon the paper, like the sheet
bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.
had come from England’s largest bed. Get going.
Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou
Let everything you write be full of anger,
write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.
despite the fact you use a jester’s pen.
SIR ANDREW
Where shall I find you?
Where shall I find you once I’ve written it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.
We’ll call you from the bedroom. Off you go.
[Exit SIR ANDREW]
FABIAN
This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.
He’s like your precious puppet now, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand strong,
I’ve spent his precious cash, two thousand times
or so.
at least.
FABIAN
We shall have a rare letter from him:
We’ll get a classic letter out of him.
but you'll not deliver't?
But will you not deliver it?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the
If not, then never trust me. I’ll incite
youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes
the youth to answer. Oxen pulling carts
cannot hale them together. For Andrew,
could not drag them together. For Sir Andrew,
if he were opened, and you find so much blood
if he were opened up and there was blood
in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat
enough to fill a flea’s foot, I would eat
the rest of the anatomy.
his corpse.
FABIAN
And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage
And his opponent, that young chap, appears
no great presage of cruelty.
to not over-exude barbarity.
[Enter MARIA]
SIR TOBY BELCH
Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.
Here comes my little birdie.
MARIA
If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself
If you’d all like a giggle, one to make
into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio
you laugh in stitches, follow me. Malvolio,
is turned heathen, a very renegado;
that silly fool, has just denounced his faith,
for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by
because no Christian hoping for salvation
believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages
could possibly believe such lunacy.
of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
He’s wearing yellow stockings!
SIR TOBY BELCH
And cross-gartered?
Are they criss-crossed?
MARIA
Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school
Appallingly, much like a pompous teacher
i' the church. I have dogged him, like his
hosts classes in the church. I’ve plagued him like
murderer. He does obey every point of the letter
I’ll ambush him. He’s followed every letter
that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his
that I said he should do. He smiles so much,
face into more lines than is in the new map with the
his face has more lines on it than the new map
augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such
of all the Eastern Indies. You’ve not seen
a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things at him.
a thing like this. I want to throw stuff at him.
I know my lady will strike him:
I know my lady’s going to hit him soon,
if she do, he'll smile and take't for a great favour.
and when she does, he’ll think she’s only flirting.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, bring us, bring us where he is.
Come on, lead all of us to where he is.
[Exeunt]
