SCENE 1: BEFORE OLIVIA'S HOUSE. — Shakespeare Retold

[Enter Clown and FABIAN]

FABIAN

Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

Now, if you love me, let me see his letter.

CLOWN

Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

Good Fabian, please grant me one request.

FABIAN

Any thing.

Anything you want.

CLOWN

Do not desire to see this letter.

Don’t ask to see this letter.

FABIAN

This is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire

That’s just like gifting somebody a dog,

my dog again.

then asking for it back in compensation.

[Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords]

DUKE ORSINO

Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

Are you Lady Olivia’s employees?

CLOWN

Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.

Yes, sir, we’re some of them who work for her.

DUKE ORSINO

I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?

I know you well. How are you, my good man?

CLOWN

Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse

Better because of enemies, but worse

for my friends.

because of friends, I tell you, sir.

DUKE ORSINO

Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.

That can’t be right; you’re better with your friends.

CLOWN

No, sir, the worse.

No, sir, I’m worse.

DUKE ORSINO

How can that be?

CLOWN

Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;

Well, sir, they praise me but make me look stupid.

now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass:

My enemies just tell me I’m a fool.

so that by my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself,

And so my enemies impart real knowledge,

and by my friends, I am abused: so that,

but from my friends, it’s lies. So, in conclusion,

conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives

if, like kisses, four negatives become

make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for

two positives, with friends they’re always lying,

my friends and the better for my foes.

and so my friends are worse than foes.

DUKE ORSINO

Why, this is excellent.

Well, quite excellent.

CLOWN

By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be

It’s not…unless, of course, you want to be

one of my friends.

a friend of mine.

DUKE ORSINO

Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there's gold.

You won’t be worse off; here’s a coin from me.

CLOWN

But that it would be double-dealing, sir,

If you could give me two of them, dear sir,

I would you could make it another.

I’d have another coin.

DUKE ORSINO

O, you give me ill counsel.

You give me bad advice.

CLOWN

Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,

Return your generous hand into your pocket

and let your flesh and blood obey it.

and let your hand obey my bad advice.

DUKE ORSINO

Well, I will be so much a sinner, to be a

It will be wrong of me to dip my hand

double-dealer: there's another.

again; but here’s another coin for you.

CLOWN

Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play;

A-one, a-two, a-three’s a splendid game,

and the old saying is, the third pays for all:

and as the saying goes, it’s third time lucky.

the triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of

The three-step is a splendid dance, or church bells

Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.

might give you an idea of one, two, three.

DUKE ORSINO

You can fool no more money out of me at this throw:

You’ll charm no further money out of me.

if you will let your lady know I am here

But if you let your lady know I’m here

to speak with her, and bring her along with you,

to speak to her, and bring her here yourself,

it may awake my bounty further.

then maybe I will make a further payment.

CLOWN

Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty

Then, sir, your generosity can sleep

till I come again. I go, sir; but I would not have you

until I come again. I hope you don’t

to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness:

think I am motivated just by greed.

but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap,

But, as you say, let kindness take a nap;

I will awake it anon.

I’ll wake it soon enough.

[Exit]

VIOLA

Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

Here comes the man who rescued me, my lord.

[Enter ANTONIO and Officers]

DUKE ORSINO

That face of his I do remember well;

That face of his I do remember well.

Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmeared

But last time that I saw him, he was smeared

As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war:

In war-paint black, the work of Roman gods.

A bawbling vessel was he captain of,

He was the captain of a poxy boat

For shallow draught and bulk unprizable;

With shallow draught that wasn’t worth a thing,

With which such scathful grapple did he make

But he did so much damage in the fight

With the most noble bottom of our fleet,

Against our grandest ship within the fleet

That very envy and the tongue of loss

That we were jealous, almost lost for words,

Cried fame and honour on him. What's the matter?

Reluctantly respecting him. What’s up?

FIRST OFFICER

Orsino, this is that Antonio

Orsino, this man is Antonio;

That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy;

He stole the Phoenix and its freight from Crete;

And this is he that did the Tiger board,

And he’s the one who got aboard the Tiger

When your young nephew Titus lost his leg:

That time your nephew Titus lost his leg.

Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,

Here in the streets, with reckless disregard,

In private brabble did we apprehend him.

We apprehended him as he was fighting.

VIOLA

He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;

He has been kind to me; he drew his sword

But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:

To fight for me, but then said something strange.

I know not what 'twas but distraction.

I can’t explain it; maybe it was madness.

DUKE ORSINO

Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!

You legendary pirate, ocean thief,

What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,

What foolish boldness made you get arrested

Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,

By those that, through your fighting, you have made

Hast made thine enemies?

Your enemies?

ANTONIO

Orsino, noble sir,

Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:

Be happy that I’m not those things you call me.

Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,

I never was a pirate nor a thief,

Though I confess, on base and ground enough,

Though, I confess, on solid grounds, I was

Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:

Your enemy. Deception brought me here.

That most ingrateful boy there by your side,

That most ungrateful boy that stands beside you

From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth

I rescued from tempestuous rough seas.

Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:

I saved him; he had no chance of survival.

His life I gave him and did thereto add

I gave him life and then I gave my love

My love, without retention or restraint,

Without commitment or an obligation,

All his in dedication; for his sake

And dedicated everything to him.

Did I expose myself, pure for his love,

For him, and out of love, I risked it all

Into the danger of this adverse town;

By coming to this dangerous, hostile town;

Drew to defend him when he was beset:

I intervened, defending him from onslaught;

Where being apprehended, his false cunning,

At that point, when arrested, his deception—

Not meaning to partake with me in danger,

Not wanting to engage in danger with me—

Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,

Made him deny he knew of who I was,

And grew a twenty years removed thing

Implying we’d not met in twenty years,

While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,

In the blink of an eye; he kept my wallet

Which I had recommended to his use

That I’d just recommended that he use

Not half an hour before.

Just half-an-hour ago.

VIOLA

How can this be?

DUKE ORSINO

When came he to this town?

When did you come to town?

ANTONIO

To-day, my lord; and for three months before,

Today, my lord; and for the past three months,

No interim, not a minute's vacancy,

Without a single moment spent apart,

Both day and night did we keep company.

Each day and night we’ve spent the time together.

[Enter OLIVIA and Attendants]

DUKE ORSINO

Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.

Here comes the Countess. Heaven walks on earth!

But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness:

But as for you, boy, all your words are madness.

Three months this youth hath tended upon me;

This youth has worked for me the past three months.

But more of that anon. Take him aside.

I’ll deal with you anon. Take him away.

OLIVIA

What would my lord, but that he may not have,

What do you want, my lord, except for that

Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?

That I won’t offer? Can I be of service?

Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.

Cesario, you broke your promise to me.

VIOLA

Madam!

Madam?

DUKE ORSINO

Gracious Olivia,--

Gracious Olivia…

OLIVIA

What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,--

Cesario, what are you saying? Crikey!

VIOLA

My lord would speak; my duty hushes me.

My lord would like to speak; I must be quiet.

OLIVIA

If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,

My lord, if you repeat that same old story,

It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear

It’s just the same damnation on my ears

As howling after music.

DUKE ORSINO

Still so cruel?

You’re still mean!

OLIVIA

Still so constant, lord.

I haven’t changed.

DUKE ORSINO

What, to perverseness? You uncivil lady,

Not changed from being rude? You horrid lady;

To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars

I came to your unthankful, stony soul

My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out

With offerings of love so overwhelming

That e'er devotion tendered! What shall I do?

No one had offered more. What should I do?

OLIVIA

Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.

Do what you like, my lord, to flatter you.

DUKE ORSINO

Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,

Why shouldn’t I, if I’ve the heart to do it—

Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,

Like that Egyptian, dying, killed his wife—

Kill what I love?--A savage jealousy

Destroy what I adore? For savage envy

That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this:

Is often dignified. But hear me out:

Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,

Since you’ve rejected all the love I’ve offered,

And that I partly know the instrument

And that I partly understand the cause

That screws me from my true place in your favour,

That stops my rightful place within your heart,

Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still;

I’ll leave you to your stony-hearted torture.

But this your minion, whom I know you love,

But this, your sweetie, whom I know you love,

And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,

But whom, I swear, I also care about,

Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,

I will remove from your corrupting view

Where he sits crowned in his master's spite.

Where he sits now, against my better wishes.

Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:

Come on now, boy. My thoughts are truly awful.

I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,

I’ll sacrifice this lamb that I do love

To spite a raven's heart within a dove.

To hurt a dirty heart within a dove.

VIOLA

And I, most jocund, apt and willingly,

And I would willingly, without a doubt,

To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.

Succumb a thousand times to help you out.

OLIVIA

Where goes Cesario?

Cesario, where are you going?

VIOLA

After him I love

To him

More than I love these eyes, more than my life,

I love, more than I love my eyes or life,

More, by all mores, than e'er I shall love wife.

And more than I can ever love a wife.

If I do feign, you witnesses above

If I am lying, angels from above

Punish my life for tainting of my love!

Punish me now for cheating with my love.

OLIVIA

Ay me, detested! How am I beguiled!

Oh no, I’m hated! I’ve been cheated on!

VIOLA

Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong?

Who’s cheated on you? Who has done you wrong?

OLIVIA

Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?

Have forgotten who you are so soon?

Call forth the holy father.

Go get the priest.

DUKE ORSINO

Come, away!

Come on, let’s go!

OLIVIA

Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.

Where to? Stay here, Cesario, my husband.

DUKE ORSINO

Husband!

Husband?

OLIVIA

Ay, husband: can he that deny?

Yes, husband. Will he deny that?

DUKE ORSINO

Her husband, sirrah!

Are you her husband, fella?

VIOLA

No, my lord, not I.

No, I’m not!

OLIVIA

Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear

Oh dear, it’s just the fact that you are scared

That makes thee strangle thy propriety:

That makes you hide the person that you are.

Fear not, Cesario; take thy fortunes up;

But don’t be scared, Cesario. You’re lucky.

Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art

Be who you know you are, for then you are

As great as that thou fear'st.

As great as what you fear.

[Enter Priest]

O, welcome, father!

Oh, welcome father.

Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence,

Father, I ask, with your devout observance,

Here to unfold, though lately we intended

To tell these people here—though we intended

To keep in darkness what occasion now

To keep a secret what we’re now obliged

Reveals before 'tis ripe, what thou dost know

To tell before we wanted—what you know

Hath newly passed between this youth and me.

What just occurred between this youth and me.

PRIEST

A contract of eternal bond of love,

A contract of eternal bonding love,

Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands,

Confirmed my mutual joining of the hands,

Attested by the holy close of lips,

And sealed together with a holy kiss,

Strengthened by interchangement of your rings;

And strengthened by exchanging wedding rings,

And all the ceremony of this compact

And all the ceremony of a marriage

Sealed in my function, by my testimony:

Confirmed, as is my duty, verified;

Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave

And all this happened, as my watch confirms,

I have travelled but two hours.

Less than two hours ago.

DUKE ORSINO

O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be

You cheating, cunning fox-cub! What will you be

When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case?

When time has turned you grey and made you old?

Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow,

Perhaps you’ll get so good at your deceit,

That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?

You’ll cause your downfall, tripping on your feet;

Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet

Goodbye, start walking, you can take her then

Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.

Where you and I will never meet again.

VIOLA

My lord, I do protest--

My lord, I must protest…!

OLIVIA

O, do not swear!

Leave grievance spared,

Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.

And keep the faith you have, although you’re scared.

[Enter SIR ANDREW]

SIR ANDREW

For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently

For love of God, I need to find a surgeon!

to Sir Toby.

Send one immediately out to Sir Toby.

OLIVIA

What's the matter?

What’s the matter?

SIR ANDREW

He has broke my head across and has given Sir Toby

He cracked my head, and left Sir Toby with

a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God,

a bloody head as well. For love of God,

your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.

we need your help! I’d give forty pounds to be home.

OLIVIA

Who has done this, Sir Andrew?

Sir Andrew, who has done this?

SIR ANDREW

The count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for

That servant to the Count, Cesario.

a coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.

We thought he was a coward; he’s a monster!

DUKE ORSINO

My gentleman, Cesario?

My gentleman Cesario?

SIR ANDREW

'Od's lifelings, here he is! You broke my head

Good God, he’s over there! You smashed my head

for nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't

for nothing; what I did do, I was told to

by Sir Toby.

VIOLA

Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:

Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you.

You drew your sword upon me without cause;

You drew your sword to fight me without reason

But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.

But I was courteous and didn’t hurt you.

SIR ANDREW

If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me:

My bloody head is hurting, so you hurt me.

I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb.

I think you think a bloody head is nothing.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and Clown]

Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more:

Here comes Sir Toby, limping. He’ll say more.

but if he had not been in drink, he would have

If he had not been drunk, he would have fought you

tickled you othergates than he did.

far more effectively than how he did.

DUKE ORSINO

How now, gentleman! How is't with you?

What’s up, good sir? How are you doing now?

SIR TOBY BELCH

That's all one: has hurt me, and there's the end

Oh, never mind. He hurt me, that’s the truth.

on't. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?

Fool, have you visited Dick Surgeon yet?

CLOWN

O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes

I saw him drunk an hour ago, Sir Toby;

were set at eight i' the morning.

he hasn’t moved his eyes since eight this morning.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Then he's a rogue, and a passy measures panyn:

Then he’s a twerp, all staggering about.

I hate a drunken rogue.

I hate a drunken twerp.

OLIVIA

Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?

Take them away! Who brought this trouble on them?

SIR ANDREW

I'll help you, Sir Toby, because well be dressed together.

I’ll help, Sir Toby. We’ll be bandaged up together.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Will you help? An ass-head and a coxcomb and a

How will you help? You’re just a clot,

knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!

a fool, a simple-minded idiot.

OLIVIA

Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.

Put him to bed, and let his wounds be looked at.

[Exeunt Clown, FABIAN, SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW]

[Enter SEBASTIAN]

SEBASTIAN

I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman:

I’m sorry, madam, I have hurt your uncle,

But, had it been the brother of my blood,

But even if he’d been my real brother,

I must have done no less with wit and safety.

I would have had to do the same for safety.

You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that

You’re looking at me strangely, and by that

I do perceive it hath offended you:

I must assume that I’ve offended you.

Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows

Forgive me, sweet heart, in the name of marriage

We made each other but so late ago.

We swore to one another earlier.

DUKE ORSINO

One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,

One face. One Voice. One manner. But two people!

A natural perspective, that is and is not!

This has to be an optical illusion!

SEBASTIAN

Antonio, O my dear Antonio!

Antonio! Oh my dearest friend, Antonio!

How have the hours racked and tortured me,

It has been torturous for many hours

Since I have lost thee!

Since I lost track of you!

ANTONIO

Sebastian are you?

Is that really you, Sebastian?

SEBASTIAN

Fear'st thou that, Antonio?

Why do you doubt the fact, Antonio?

ANTONIO

How have you made division of yourself?

Have you split up and made yourself a clone?

An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin

An apple split in half is not more similar

Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?

Than these two people. Which one is Sebastian?

OLIVIA

Most wonderful!

This is amazing!

SEBASTIAN

Do I stand there? I never had a brother;

Is that me over there? I have no brother,

Nor can there be that deity in my nature,

And I don’t have divine ability

Of here and every where. I had a sister,

To be in more than one place at a time.

Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured.

I had a sister who was lost at sea.

Of charity, what kin are you to me?

In goodness, tell me how we are related?

What countryman? What name? What parentage?

Where are you from? Your name? Who are your parents?

VIOLA

Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;

From Messaline. My father was Sebastian.

Such a Sebastian was my brother too,

I had a brother called Sebastian too.

So went he suited to his watery tomb:

He drowned wearing the same attire as you.

If spirits can assume both form and suit

If spirits reappear in shape and costume,

You come to fright us.

You’ve come to scare us all.

SEBASTIAN

A spirit I am indeed;

My soul's a spirit,

But am in that dimension grossly clad

But I am wrapped within this larger body

Which from the womb I did participate.

That I’ve had since the day that I was born.

Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,

And if you were a woman, all things equal,

I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,

I’d let my sobbing tears run down your face

And say 'Thrice-welcome, drowned Viola!'

And say three times, “oh welcome, drowned Viola”.

VIOLA

My father had a mole upon his brow.

My father had a mole upon his forehead.

SEBASTIAN

And so had mine.

And so did mine.

VIOLA

And died that day when Viola from her birth

And died that day that would have been Viola’s

Had numbered thirteen years.

thirteenth birthday.

SEBASTIAN

O, that record is lively in my soul!

Oh, I remember that day very well!

He finished indeed his mortal act

He did indeed give out his final breath

That day that made my sister thirteen years.

The day my sister turned thirteen years old.

VIOLA

If nothing lets to make us happy both

If nothing gets between our happiness

But this my masculine usurped attire,

But this deceptive masculine attire,

Do not embrace me till each circumstance

Do not embrace me yet, until all proof

Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump

Of place and time and fortune all align

That I am Viola: which to confirm,

To show I am Viola; to confirm,

I'll bring you to a captain in this town,

I’ll take you to a captain in the town

Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help

Where I have left my women’s clothes; he helped

I was preserved to serve this noble count.

To save my life so I could serve the Count.

All the occurrence of my fortune since

And, since then, everything that has occurred

Hath been between this lady and this lord.

Has been between this lady and this lord.

SEBASTIAN

[To OLIVIA]

So comes it, lady, you have been mistook:

And so, my lady, you have been mistaken:

But nature to her bias drew in that.

But nature led you on to one like me.

You would have been contracted to a maid;

You almost nearly wed a virgin lady;

Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived,

But that is not entirely deception,

You are betrothed both to a maid and man.

For you are married to a virgin man.

DUKE ORSINO

Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.

Don’t look so shocked; he’s come from decent stock.

If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,

If true, as this here mirror-image claims,

I shall have share in this most happy wreck.

I’ll share in this good fortune of the shipwreck.

[To VIOLA]

Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times

Boy, you have said a thousand times to me

Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.

That you could not love women as you love me.

VIOLA

And all those sayings will I overswear;

And I will swear those words over again,

And those swearings keep as true in soul

And keep those promises within my soul,

As doth that orbed continent the fire

Just like the burning sun keeps promises

That severs day from night.

To split the night from day.

DUKE ORSINO

Give me thy hand;

Give me your hand,

And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds.

And let me see you in your woman’s clothes.

VIOLA

The captain that did bring me first on shore

The Captain who first brought me onto shore

Hath my maid's garments: he upon some action

Has all my clothes. He has been charged and he’s

Is now in durance, at Malvolio's suit,

Imprisoned at Malvolio’s behest,

A gentleman, and follower of my lady's.

A gentleman and servant to my lady.

OLIVIA

He shall enlarge him: fetch Malvolio hither:

He’ll set him free. Go fetch Malvolio.

[Re-enter Clown with a letter, and FABIAN]

And yet, alas, now I remember me,

Oh, deary me, I’ve only just remembered

They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract.

They say that poor old man has gone insane.

A most extracting frenzy of mine own

For all my own distractions and concerns

From my remembrance clearly banished his.

Made me forget my memory of him.

How does he, sirrah?

How is he, fool?

CLOWN

Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the staves's end as

Well, truly, ma’am, he’s holding off the devil

well as a man in his case may do: has here writ a

as well as someone can in his position.

letter to you; I should have given't you to-day

He’s written you a note; I meant to give it

morning, but as a madman's epistles are no gospels,

to you this morning. But, as madman’s notes

so it skills not much when they are delivered.

are not the gospel, it’s fine if they’re late.

OLIVIA

Open't, and read it.

Open it and read it.

CLOWN

Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers

You’ll be enlightened when the fool has read

the madman.

the words the madman wrote.

[Reads]

'By the Lord, madam,'--

“By the Lord, madam…”

OLIVIA

How now! Art thou mad?

What’s wrong with you? Are you completely mad?

CLOWN

No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship

No, madam, but these words are mad. And if you

will have it as it ought to be, you must allow Vox.

want to hear it right, I must use crazy tones.

OLIVIA

Prithee, read i' thy right wits.

Just read it normally.

CLOWN

So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to

I am, madonna; reading normally

read thus: therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.

means reading just like him. So listen up.

OLIVIA

[To FABIAN]

Read it you, sirrah.

You read it, sir.

FABIAN

[Reads]

'By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the

“By God, madam, you’ve wronged me, and I will

world shall know it: though you have put me into

tell everyone. Though you have locked me up

darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over

in darkness, letting your drunk cousin rule

me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as

over me, I have retained my senses

your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced

as good as yours. I have the letter from you

me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt

that led to my behaviour; with this letter,

not but to do myself much right, or you much shame.

I’ll prove that I am right and bring you shame.

Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little

I don’t care what you think of me. I’ll leave

unthought of and speak out of my injury.

my duties and tell you how you have hurt me.

THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.'

The one that you’ve abused, Malvolio.”

OLIVIA

Did he write this?

CLOWN

Ay, madam.

Yes, madam.

DUKE ORSINO

This savours not much of distraction.

Those words do not imply he is insane.

OLIVIA

See him delivered, Fabian; bring him hither.

Go get him Fabian, have him released.

[Exit FABIAN]

My lord so please you, these things further thought on,

My lord, when you have thought this through, I hope

To think me as well a sister as a wife,

You’ll love me just as much a sister as

One day shall crown the alliance on't, so please you,

You’d love a wife. One day you will be wed,

Here at my house and at my proper cost.

So do it here and I will pay for it.

DUKE ORSINO

Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.

Madam, I gratefully accept your offer.

[To VIOLA]

Your master quits you; and for your service done him,

Your master sets you free; for what you’ve done,

So much against the mettle of your sex,

Against inherent nature of a lady

So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,

And far beneath the status you were born to,

And since you called me master for so long,

Here is my hand: you shall from this time be

I offer you my hand in marriage. From now,

Your master's mistress.

You’ll be your master’s mistress.

OLIVIA

A sister! You are she.

You’re going to be my sister!

[Re-enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO]

DUKE ORSINO

Is this the madman?

OLIVIA

Ay, my lord, this same.

Oh yes, my lord. This is the chap.

How now, Malvolio!

How are you, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

Madam, you have done me wrong,

You’ve done me wrong, madam,

Notorious wrong.

A terrible injustice.

OLIVIA

Have I, Malvolio? No.

Have I, Malvolio? I do not think so.

MALVOLIO

Lady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter.

You have, my lady. Just peruse that letter;

You must not now deny it is your hand:

You can’t deny that’s not the way you write.

Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase;

See if you can write differently than that

Or say 'tis not your seal, nor your invention:

Or say that’s not your seal, or your creation.

You can say none of this: well, grant it then

You can say none of that. Admit it now,

And tell me, in the modesty of honour,

And tell me honestly, as is your honour,

Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,

Why you gave indications that you liked me?

Bade me come smiling and cross-gartered to you,

Why make me smile, and wear cross-gartered laces,

To put on yellow stockings and to frown

And put on yellow stockings; made me frown

Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people;

Upon Sir Toby and the common people?

And, acting this in an obedient hope,

And, when I followed this with keen obedience,

Why have you suffered me to be imprisoned,

Why did you let me suffer in the jail,

Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,

Kept in the dark with visits by a priest,

And made the most notorious geck and gull

And made me be the world’s worst idiot

That e'er invention played on? Tell me why.

Who’s fallen for a trick? Do tell me why!

OLIVIA

Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,

Malvolio, oh dear! It’s not my writing,

Though, I confess, much like the character

Though I admit it is quite similar.

But out of question 'tis Maria's hand.

But this, without a doubt’s, Maria’s hand.

And now I do bethink me, it was she

And now I think about it, it was her

First told me thou wast mad; then camest in smiling,

Who told me first you’re mad; you came in smiling

And in such forms which here were presupposed

And dressed up in the clothes that are described

Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content:

For you within this letter. But, don’t worry.

This practise hath most shrewdly passed upon thee;

This trick has been conducted shrewdly on you.

But when we know the grounds and authors of it,

But when we know the reasons and the culprits,

Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge

You’ll be the prosecution and the judge

Of thine own cause.

Of your own case.

FABIAN

Good madam, hear me speak,

Good madam, hear me out,

And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come

And let’s not have a fight or some debate

Taint the condition of this present hour,

To spoil the happy times we’re having now,

Which I have wondered at. In hope it shall not,

Which I’m amazed at. Hoping that it won’t,

Most freely I confess, myself and Toby

I must confess Sir Toby and myself

Set this device against Malvolio here,

Set up this prank against Malvolio,

Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts

Because of arrogant and rude behaviour

We had conceived against him: Maria writ

Where he offended us. Maria wrote

The letter at Sir Toby's great importance;

The letter at Sir Toby’s instigation,

In recompense whereof he hath married her.

And in return for that, he married her.

How with a sportful malice it was followed,

It was intended as a bit of fun

May rather pluck on laughter than revenge;

To incite laughter rather than revenge,

If that the injuries be justly weighed

And if we weigh offences of both sides,

That have on both sides passed.

We’ll see they’re much the same.

OLIVIA

Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!

Oh dear, old fool, they proper hoodwinked you!

CLOWN

Why, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness,

Why, “some are born great, some achieve greatness

and some have greatness thrown upon them.'

and some have greatness thrown upon them.”

I was one, sir, in this interlude; one Sir Topas, sir;

I was involved as well, sir, as Sir Topas,

but that's all one. 'By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.'

but that was all. “By God, fool, I’m not mad!”

But do you remember? 'Madam, why laugh you at such

But then recall you said, “Madam, why do you laugh

a barren rascal? An you smile not, he's gagged:'

at this unfunny twerp? If you don’t laugh, he’s lost for words.”

and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.

And so, what goes around will come around.

MALVOLIO

I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you.

I’ll get revenge on every one of you!

[Exit]

OLIVIA

He hath been most notoriously abused.

He has been quite appallingly mistreated.

DUKE ORSINO

Pursue him and entreat him to a peace:

Go after him and try to calm him down.

He hath not told us of the captain yet:

He’s not yet told us of the jailed Captain.

When that is known and golden time convents,

When that is known, and we’ve the perfect time,

A solemn combination shall be made

We’ll make a solemn vow and we’ll be wed

Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister,

To tie our souls together. Meanwhile, sister,

We will not part from hence. Cesario, come;

We will not leave. Cesario, come here,

For so you shall be, while you are a man;

For I’ll still call you that whilst you’re a man.

But when in other habits you are seen,

But when in women’s clothing you are seen,

Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.

You’ll be my mistress, and my gorgeous queen.

[Exeunt all, except Clown]

CLOWN

[Sings]

When that I was and a little tiny boy,