Henry V – Act 5 Scene 1

GOWER

Nay, that's right; but why wear you your leek today?

No, that’s right; but why are you wearing your leek today?

Saint Davy's day is past.

Saint Davy’s day has passed.

FLUELLEN

There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in

There are situations and causes for why everything

all things: I will tell you, asse my friend,

occurs. I will tell you, as my friend,

Captain Gower: the rascally, scald, beggarly,

Captain Gower: that dishonest, scabby, beggar-like,

lousy, pragging knave, Pistol, which you and

lousy, bragging rogue, Pistol, whom you and

yourself and all the world know to be no petter

and everyone in the whole world know to be no better

than a fellow, look you now, of no merits, he is

than a man, you see, of no worth at all, he

come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday,

came to me and brought me bread and salt yesterday,

look you, and bid me eat my leek: it was in place

you see, and told me to eat my leek. It was in a place

where I could not breed no contention with him; but

where I could not argue with him, but

I will be so bold as to wear it in my cap till I see

I will boldly wear it in my cap until I see

him once again, and then I will tell him a little

him again, and then I will give him a little

piece of my desires.

piece of my mind.

GOWER

Why, here he comes, swelling like a turkey-cock.

Well, here he comes now, puffed up like a turkey.

FLUELLEN

'Tis no matter for his swellings nor his

I don’t care about his puffing up nor his

turkey-cocks. God pless you, Aunchient Pistol! You

turkeys. God bless you, Ensign Pistol! You

scurvy, lousy knave, God pless you!

infected, lousy rogue, God bless you!

PISTOL

Ha! Art thou bedlam? Dost thou thirst, base Trojan,

Ha! Are you mad? Do you desire, weak scumbag,

To have me fold up Parca's fatal web?

I kill you, folding up Fates’ fatal blanket?

Hence! I am qualmish at the smell of leek.

Clear off! The smell of leeks makes me all queasy.

FLUELLEN

I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lousy knave, at my

I humbly request, you disgusting, lousy rascal, to

desires, and my requests, and my petitions, to eat,

satisfy my wish, desire and request, to eat,

look you, this leek: because, look you, you do not

you see, this leek, because, you see, you do not

love it, nor your affections and your appetites and

like leeks, nor does your preference and taste and

your digestions doo's not agree with it, I would

digestive system agree with them, but I would

desire you to eat it.

like you to eat it.

PISTOL

Not for Cadwallader and all his goats.

Not for the greatest Welshman and his goat-strewn country.

FLUELLEN

There is one goat for you.

Here’s a goat for you.

[STRIKES HIM]

Will you be so good, scauld knave, as eat it?

Would you be so kind, foul rascal, as to eat it?

PISTOL

Base Trojan, thou shalt die.

Lowlife scumbag, you will die.

FLUELLEN

You say very true, scauld knave, when God's will is:

You state the truth, foul rascal, when God’s will is:

I will desire you to live in the mean time, and eat

I hope you live in the meantime, and eat

your victuals: come, there is sauce for it.

your food. Come on, here’s some sauce for it.

[STRIKES HIM]

You called me yesterday 'mountain-squire'; but I will

Just yesterday you called me a mountain-man; but I will

make you to-day a squire of low degree. I pray you,

make you a low-man today. So come on,

fall to: if you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek.

eat up: if you can make fun of a leek, you can eat a leek too.

GOWER

Enough, captain: you have astonished him.

That is enough now, captain: you have shocked him.

FLUELLEN

I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or

I tell you, I’ll force him to eat some of my leek, else

I will peat his pate four days. Bite, I pray you; it

I will beat him in the head for four days. Eat some, I tell you: it

is good for your green wound and your ploody coxcomb.

is good for your fresh wounds and your bloody head.

PISTOL

Must I bite?

Do I have to eat it?

FLUELLEN

Yes, certainly, and out of doubt and out of question

Yes, absolutely, without a doubt and it’s out of the question

too, and ambiguities.

not to, no exceptions.

PISTOL

By this leek, I will most horribly revenge: I eat

By this leek, I swear I will get revenge. I’m eating it,

and eat, I swear –

I am, I promise…

FLUELLEN

Eat, I pray you: will you have some more sauce to

Eat, I tell you: do you want some more sauce on

your leek? There is not enough leek to swear by.

your leek? There’s not enough leek left for you to swear on.

PISTOL

Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see I eat.

Put your club down: you can see I’m eating.

FLUELLEN

Much good do you, scauld knave, heartily. Nay, pray

It will do you good, foul rogue, I assure you. No, please

you, throw none away; the skin is good for your

don’t throw any away; the skin is good for your

broken coxcomb. When you take occasions to see leeks

wounded head. And whenever you happen to see leeks

hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em; that is all.

from now on, I urge you to make fun of them. That’s all I ask.

PISTOL

Good.

Very well.

FLUELLEN

Ay, leeks is good: hold you, there is a groat to

Yes, leeks will keep you well: wait there, here’s a fourpenny coin

heal your pate.

to heal your head.

PISTOL

Me a groat!

Only fourpence for me!

FLUELLEN

Yes, verily and in truth, you shall take it; or I

Yes, certainly, and in truth, you will take it; or, I

have another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat.

have another leek in my pocket, which you will have to eat.

PISTOL

I take thy groat in earnest of revenge.

I’ll take your fourpence as down payment on my revenge.

FLUELLEN

If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels:

If I owe you anything, I will pay you by clubbing you with a bat:

you shall be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but

you’ll be a timber-merchant and buy nothing from me except

cudgels. God b' wi' you, and keep you, and heal your pate.

clubs. God be with you, care for you and heal your head.

PISTOL

All hell shall stir for this.

There will be hell to pay for this.

GOWER

Go, go; you are a counterfeit cowardly knave. Will

Clear off; you are a cheating, cowardly rascal. Will

you mock at an ancient tradition, begun upon an

you make fun of an old tradition, born out of

honourable respect, and worn as a memorable trophy of

honourable respect, and worn to commemorate

predeceased valour and dare not avouch in your deeds

the bravery of those who died before us, while not daring

any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and

to carry out anything you say? I’ve seen you mocking and

galling at this gentleman twice or thrice. You

taunting this gentleman two or three times. You

thought, because he could not speak English in the

thought, because he couldn’t speak English without

native garb, he could not therefore handle an

an accent, he couldn’t handle hitting out with an

English cudgel: you find it otherwise; and

English club: but you were wrong. And

henceforth let a Welsh correction teach you a good

from now on, let a Welsh lesson teach you decent

English condition. Fare ye well.

English manners. Goodbye.

PISTOL

Doth Fortune play the huswife with me now?

Is Lady Luck my cheating floozy now?

News have I, that my Nell is dead i' the spital

I’ve heard my wife Nell died in hospital

Of malady of France;

Of syphilis;

And there my rendezvous is quite cut off.

And so I can’t return to stay with her.

Old I do wax; and from my weary limbs

I’m growing old, and from my aching limbs

Honour is cudgelled. Well, bawd I'll turn,

My reputation’s battered. I’ll run brothels,

And something lean to cutpurse of quick hand.

And I’ll start picking pockets stealthily.

To England will I steal, and there I'll steal:

I’ll steal away to England and start stealing:

And patches will I get unto these cudgelled scars,

I’ll plaster clobbered scars, so I’ll enhance

And swear I got them in the Gallia wars.

My claim I got them in the wars in France.